Mommy, Look! It's a Robot Woman!

I just got a new leg. My old one wasn't fitting well and getting loose when I worked out at the gym. I wear the new one as just a foot and pipe until it is adjusted just right and then Gary puts on a cosmetic covering.

I have been wearing shorts since it is hot and I am surprise at all the great comments I get from kids-"Look, Mommy, there's a Robot woman!" "Mommy, what happened to that girl's leg!" It's too bad that most parents don't stop to explain but keep them moving and looking away. I find teens and adults from other countries are more likely to just ask me what happened than Americans. A fellow amputee concurred. Cultural differences, I guess.

Most guys want me to keep the leg as it is. They think it is pretty cool looking. Lots of them almost run into me at the grocery store as they try to mentally figure out the technology as they stare. Hell-lo! My eyes are up here! Ha! Ha! I think some tattoos on the cosmetic cover would be more interested than the pipe and foot setup I have now. Hmm....maybe.

At my adjustment visit with Gary, they were trying to get rid of some Police tickets. I scored 2 lawn tix for Elvis Costello and the Police at Shoreline. As we entered we got upgraded seats (maybe I will keep the pipe and foot) and it was a real treat to see a live concert (been a long time). Sting had let his gray hair show. Andy Summer had a thick double chin as he looked down at his guitar. Funny how the older rockers don't bother to hide their age. Sting was fit as every-being a yoga devotee.

As I left the Shambhala Mountain Center ( August of 03) in the Colorado mountains after a 2 week meditation retreat, the big buzz was that Sting was there for a yoga retreat. All the Gen Y were in a tizzy wondering where he was going to be assigned work practice (everyone has assigned "samu-"work practice) so they could be neaby at the same time. Later on I heard that when asked how the retreat went, Sting replied "I never washed so many dishes in all my life."

And yes- I am following the financial crisis- check out my recommendations here:
http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Fern_Alix_LaRocca

Pimp My Ride

After much research I finally decided on purchasing this bike from www.nycewheels.com. I live close to a lot of things but can't really walk far. My long hikes (8 blocks) while enjoyable at the moment turn into a fiery hip pain at night that needs a double on the rocks (lingo for double tylenol with ice water).

I worried if I could get my leg over and onto this bike even though it is really low to the ground and I just barely can get on with this one. Then since my right foot turns out, my foot kept slipping off the pedal (not good at all). I was a little dismayed until my trainer turned me on to Brian Spears at Advanced Welding in Mountain View. Brian and his crew fashioned me an extended pedal type thing so my foot doesn't fall off so easy and I don't have to risk my life every time I ride. Thanks, Brian!

A big shout out goes to all the messenger boyz in NYC who encouraged me to go for it and try to bike again.

Another big shout out goes to Bert of NYC eWheels who put up with my constant questions about anything and everything concerning ebikes.

Above all, thanks to my husband, Joseph, for letting me shake up his nerves once again with my never ending risky adventures and for making me take all the safety precautions I really should.

Thanks, Guys!

There Goes My Hero

My friend, Deborah, called and said everyone in her condo complex was calling and asking who that man was that helped out over the weekend.

We had visited her at her condo on the second floor on a beautiful Saturday in Sausalito. We sat on her deck and chatted. I saw three elderly women get out of a car across the street and one tripped on the curb and fell. Her friends were nearby and I thought they would help. Minutes later I looked again and noticed that the woman was not getting up.

"Joseph," I said in my calm but you must act now voice, "Quick, go down there and check on that woman. I think it's an emergency." He ran down the stairs and I could see him talking to the woman and her friends. Other neighbors started gathering, too. A minute later, I saw him call 911 on his cell phone and the firemen came to help her to the hospital.

Joseph told us that she was 94 and lived on the top floor (duh?! What's up with that?) and must have tripped on the curb but didn't feel comfortable getting up. Her friends were trying to get her up and moving so he stopped them and called for help.

It was a good thing as Deborah told us- the woman had broken her hip in three places and was in ICU. Everyone wanted to know who that man was to thank him. That man was my dear husband.

PTSD- post traumatic stress disorder

PTSD- post traumatic stress disorder is the hip new way to get prescription drugs. Military- new moms suffering post-partum, and trauma survivors like me are most likely to be diagnosed with it. Sometimes it is a chemical imbalance and sometimes psychological. Luckily, I never had it. I now see how unusual that is. Some of its symptoms are:
Reactivity on exposure to cues that resemble the event

Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the event or numbing of general responsiveness by efforts to avoid thoughts/activities/places/people that arouse recollections of the trauma; feelings of detachment.

Difficulty falling asleep, irritability, anger, difficulty concentrating hypervigilance.

Depressed Mood/diminished interest or pleasure in activities

When I look back, none of the above applied to me. Not that I have never experienced sadness, or pain, or depression. But—I never let it wash me away. I knew it for what it was and nothing more. Everyone thought I would have trouble driving once again –but that didn’t happen. I was a passenger in a car that was in an accident. The cue- the digital signpost trailer that severed my hip. Well, now I see them everywhere. I call them my little friends and smile when I see one. I sleep well when it’s not noisy (like in the hospital). And I talk about the accident easily and in great detail to anyone who asks. And believe me, they ask- in the mall, the grocery store, at the coffee shop, etc.

But I think the real key is when you look at survivors like Nelson Mandela, and many victims of intense torture, (and studies have proven this) the ones who go on to survive and thrive are the ones who do not disassociate with their experience. Being mindful and present of your attacker, your vulnerability, your pain, your environment, puts you right there. You experience it. It’s over. Maybe you experience it again. And it’s over again. Each moment is fleeting. It doesn’t have to scar your heart even if it scars your body. Only you can make that choice- in each moment.

Sitting with Fire-Tassajara

I have just received an update that the fire is a half mile away from Tassajara monastery near Big Sur. All have evacuated except for 5 dharma brothers. I have spent many years going on retreat there in the summers by myself and then opening up this special place to my husband and then the year before my accident I brought my friend, Bertha along. It was always a challenging journey since the road was definitely 4 wheel drive material -steep, slippery and sometimes dangerous. But I would pick up some people who needed rides at Jamesburg and take it slow up the mountain and down into the valley.

Tassajara is a very special place-a Zen monastery during the year that opens up to the public during the spring and summer. You had the option of practicing with the monks or doing your own schedule. I usually practiced with the monks in the early morning and then had breakfast and was off for a long hike during lunch. The hiking trails were challenging. One was rolling hills with high brush and rattlesnakes hiding among the grasses that also opened up to vast meadows of colorful wildflowers i(f you were there at the right time). Other areas, you were bouldering through canyons slippery from various cascading waterfalls. There was a pool there that seemed out of place because everyone went to the bathhouse. The bathhouse had a men's and women's side. It was refreshing to take off your sweaty clothes -take a shower and dip into a very large hot pool of water and there was a cold stone pool outside the bathhouse as well as a sauna. This all was open to the outdoors and the creek. All naked women of all ages, shapes and sizes relaxing in total silence in a beautiful setting.

Even though it was a rustic environment- (no electricity), dining was an exquisite affair. The dining hall glowed as it used the energy from the creek to light up the room as if we were all in candlelight. People brought their favorite bottles of wine and the staff served us graciously as we dined at communal tables and met interesting people. Dinner was vegetarian but filling and definitely gourmet. Annie Sommersville of Greens Restaurant got her start here as well as Ed Brown and others. There was always some celebrity chef around. After dinner, more wine and talk would flow into the night.

Suzuki Roshi was very fond of this place and even if it doesn't survive, his legacy will live on to all those that have been to Tassajara.

I wish Abbot Steve Stuckey and the others a safe journey as they sit with fire.

Memorial day to fly away

I haven't been on a plane since being in a bad car accident in late 03. I used to fly 4 to 6 times a year both personal and professional trips. It was a joy to get away and relax on a plane. The thought now of flying doesn't thrill me not because I am disabled but because of what the flying experience has turned into. There are less people at ticket counters so there are long lines of anxious people at the sky caps, the kiosks, and the counters. There is the getting past the gate line- where shoes, belts, keys and whatever else comes up to detain an already anxious crowd trying to get to their flight ontime. Then there is the last minute food grab before you get on the plane (since they now hardly serve anything). So you wait in line for that. Then you get on the plane and it is flithy from the people who were on before and you pray you don't get sick from all the germs.

Flying isn't what it used to be but I joined my husband over the memorial day weekend to see his family.
My prosthetist, Gary, recommended that I ask for wheelchair service. Of course, I can walk so I said I can handle the walking and standing-besides it will be good exercise for me. He basically talked me into it.
So I did- a little embarassed by the fact that I am taking a wheelchair when I can walk fine with a cane.

I am so glad I did!!-- it was a zoo at the airport and the wheelchair got me to the front of the line and with a little body exhibition of my metallic parts, I was off to the gate and the first one on the plane. Wo-hoo!!!
Sometimes it pays to suck it up and use what priveleges are available to you.

It was good to see his family and the weekend went by fast. The last night I got everyone together (no small feat in itself) for a dinner at Calandras to celebrate Joseph's birthday. It was probably the first time Joseph has celebrated his birthday with his family in a long time and it also went by so fast. A magician was there to entertain the kids which was a nice touch the restaurant provided.

I look forward to our next flight---- this time maybe a pinot noir instead?

Pain in the Ass!

I just had an annual physical and they wanted to do a colonoscopy- yuck! I wouldn't mind if all my plumbing was still in the right place. But after the accident I was in, everything is a little off from where it should be. So I decided to have a virtual colonoscopy- where they only put 8 inches of tubing up your ass and not 18 inches.

Medicare would pay for it so I signed up at an out patient facility that my Dr. recommended. I dutifully took all the gunk to clean you out 2 days prior. I walked into the pleasant facility early in the morning and was seen right away. My tech looked like my brother only with light brown hair. His demeanor was calm and friendly and he mistakenly thought that I was nervous. I was- but not for the reasons that he thought.

In my mind I was trying to figure out a way to gently let him know about the gross disfiguration under the thin patient robe that he was about to see. He went about explaining the procedure as if to put my mind at ease. I finally blurted out-"Well, I was in a bad car accident and I have been in 4 hospitals over 4 months and had over 20 surgeries."

"Oh, so you are familar with all of this." he said as if relieved of the burden.

"Oh, yes, I am okay with this". Then I lifted up my gown for the show and tell tour.

As I lay still on the table, he preceded with the predictable solace-"when I was 18, I was on the football team and got tackled by a 300 pound teenager that hit me so hard ithat my entire shoulder had to be reconstructed."

"Wow", I said wondering why people always want to share some of their own personal medical history with me as if to say they've been there, too. I know that we ALL have been there. And if you haven't ---well, prepare yourself.

My colonoscopy came back negative but it did show thinnng of the bones. So a month later, I had a dexa-scan which is a fancy bone mineral density test. That test came back with the diagnosis of osteporosis -or thinning of the bones. That diagnosis came with a prescription of Fosamax which I am not taking.

I have been able to be drug free for a long time and wish to remain that way as long as I can. Maybe my time is ending. I am still researching this Fosamax thing and I don't like what I am reading. I would appreciate any comments on what you all know about this drug.

Check this out on why I am opposed to Fosamax-http://www.womentowomen.com/bonehealth/bonemineraldensitytests.aspx

DayDreamer

At my eight grade graduation, my teacher wrote a poem and in it, she described her students. She had a little quip about each one of us- the diva, the scholar, the drama queen, the comic, etc. I couldn't wait to see what she would say about me. I was so disappointed when she called me the "daydreamer". I was the little girl who had a "window seat"- a desk chair by the window. Since I got good grades and I was a good student, I was priveleged to be in the row next to the large windows on the 3rd floor that overlooked the street below. She was right about me though. I was bored so I would look out the window at the cars and the sky and the trees and day dream about the people outside while I was indoors. What were they doing all day and what were their lives like? Will I ever get to be one of those people driving my car around or walking outside while everyone worked or studied?

I thought similar things as an adult looking out the window over my desk and computer. It was a beautiful day and I was working and when I took lunch outdoors and saw people passing by, I would wonder what their lives where like.

Now that I am semi-retired, I am one of those people who shop and run errands and go to the gym, and I peer inside the office buildings and shops and think of the people working and what their lives are like. But I don't have to wonder, I know because I worked in a shop before and an office.

The middle of the day has a "quiet storm" to it of stay-at-home moms, elderly, disabled people, young people out of school and such. It is a much slower pace yet you can see the earnestness in all of us as we continue to wind down our to-do list. However, our tasks are just as meaningful as others, since food needs to be bought and clothes need to fit and cars need to be repaired, and the dog needs to be walked, and babies need to be held just as much as retirement plans need to be calculated and medical plans need to be analyzed. Yet our society holds one over the other to a much greater value.

I visited a friend who just came out of surgery and as they wheeled her out of post-op and into her private room, I noticed she got a "window seat". I made sure the blinds were open so that she could see out. As she clutched her morphine push, I bid her goodnight and sweet dreams.

PS- Glad you are doing well, Annette!

To my dear Darlene Sensei- Glad to hear of your remission. I miss your presence at Tassajara.

End of an Era-WSJ

read with dismay over the decision of the Bancroft family to sell the Wall St. Journal to Rupert Murdoch of News Corp (they make Fox news and other slimy stuff). I grew up and grew my career with the Wall St. Journal newspaper. I learned a lot from my favorite journalists. The Pulitzer Prize winner, Dorothy Rabinowitz was an excellent journalist who followed the early false sexual abuse charges of a CA day care center and then educated me into the false positives on PAP tests that were happening due to bad laboratories, and on and on. John & Dorothy Gaiter educated me about fine wines and the wine industry and the famous- "open that bottle" night. I followed Terri Cullen's writings on her own family financial planning problems. Jonathan Clements-we had our differences- but after getting bullied a lot and help by financial advisors, he has come around to be a great writer on personal finance. Sue Shallenberger has always shared great tips on how to balance work and family and career strategies. Walter Mossberg- is like a household word around here. Whenever, we have a technical problem with any of our large collection of electronic gadgets, we think- What would Walter do? I had a file folder with clippings of Walter's columns in my office that were filled with great reviews, and recommendations of electronic toys and software.

I value the information that I have received from these people and I hope that continues- but if not, I am always on the look out for information resources that can give me true, informative, and useful information that I can use personally or in my environment. As we evolve, how we process the deluge of information that is out there will become more and more important. It is also becoming increasingly difficult to find out what's the truth and what is the advertising or what am I being sold. The messages have gotten very slick.
For example, I am invited all the time to go on to television shows. Nice invite, right? Well, yes, if I wanted to pay for the "invitation". Same with the "Who's Who's of ___" directories. These people are not industry big-wigs but people who paid money to have their names in a book. Same is true with the Better Business Bureau and the 1-800-dentist or whatever. The appearance is that of a list of experienced and trustworthy people. The reality is that people pay to be listed in a book. There are more examples out there of what I feel is dishonest communication.

It is important to having sources of information for products and services that are free (as much as possible) from conflicts of interest. Sources that you can rely on that can give you what's pertinent today. Why is this so important? Because your time is more valuable than ever before. A bad experience with a product or service is wasted money and your most precious resource----time.

Coaching Question- What or who are your trusted resources to help you meet your goals?

Slow on the Uptake

It’s the rainy season and as I am driving in the rain, I see many unmarked and unlit digital signs on the side of the road just like the one that severed my hip 4 years ago in a car accident. Even though Cal Trans admitted it should have kept the sign in a separate work area, it has done nothing to stop another freak accident happening like the one I had. According to the risk calculations the chances of another person getting hurt like me were slim to none so they like those odds and will keep the signs scattered about.

Many people think I should be scared to drive but actually I wasn’t driving when the accident occurred and my girlfriend who did lives in New York City without a car now.

Every doctor asks me how long ago the accident was and when I tell them, they make a comment like –“Well, I guess you will remember that for the rest of your life.” And I usually reply, “Well, I guess I will have to since you keep asking me the date of the accident instead of looking at my chart.” Not always considered a nice answer but one I am comfortable with.

Just in the last year I have come to grips with how many people didn’t think I was going to make it. I am a little put off by that ---probably because I never had any doubt in my mind that I would not recover. I wasn’t stupid about how long it would take or the seriousness of my injuries but I never felt in danger of my life—like in the movies where people are all bloody and contorting in pain.

Well, I have always been a little slow on the uptake. I get jokes usually a second or two after everyone else. And apparently I wasn’t in on the information that I could possibly die. I thought of those people that were really dying -like the guy next to me with the priest saying the last rites over his still body or the retired nurse who just had her last intravenous chemotherapy for her terminal cancer. I talked and joked with paramedics, nurses, and doctors even before they put me in sedation for the next 8 weeks.

The risk of infection and the risk of not healing properly were hidden risks that could have done me in pretty fast even though I didn’t realize it then and just realizing it now how lucky (?) I was.

I have also realized that the people alive are more in fear of death than the people who are dying. I don’t think it’s as awful an experience as the media and our own minds have let on to believe.

We assume that people who are injured have the qualities of pain, anger and depression because we all bought into that bull. Yet those are the same qualities that the healthy have, too. The reality is so different in ways that I cannot describe except for this- While at a fund-raising dinner years ago, I sat next to a woman who did hospice work. I told her how I admired what she did and how I didn’t think I had the guts to do such work. She reminded me that every person that she held to the end had a smile on their face.

""Each person is a story that the Soul of the World wants to tell to itself." "The fundamental delusion of humanity is to suppose that I am here and you are out there."— Yasutani Roshi, Zen master (1885-1973)

I'm a Sick-O!

I am one of 249 million Americans who have health insurance as Michael Moore highlighted in his movie. I struggled to pay the premiums on my coverage as they kept going up faster than my business was growing. I had a small surgery in my twenties and it turned out to be endosalpingiosis (don't ask). It was done on an outpatient basis and my condition was fixed with proper medication. That was in the early 80's. My Blue Shield coverage paid for everything over my deductible except for one thing--- the surgeon's fee, which happened to be the bulk of the $3500 fee. I fought them over a two year period through phone calls and letters much to the dismay of my business partners who kept harassing me to let it go). But I didn't, and I got the money out of them but it probably cost me more in time and energy than the few bucks I got back. But- it was the principal of the thing, I thought.

I had switched to Kaiser and in the 90s they started raising my health insurance premiums to over thirty percent a year. I debated just dropping it with my brother, Allen, over dinner. I had never been healthier- I was running and mountain biking, and hiking and felt great and bursting with energy. My brother talked me out of it and I am glad he did because a couple of years later, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Even though I caught it early, I had a history in my family (my mother died of it) and so I went for the most aggressive treatment- chemo and radiation. Fearing the worst, I worked part-time and laid low by attending meditation retreats. Surprisingly, I only felt like I had the flu throughout my whole treatment plan. I got very good care at Kaiser and a year of follow up. The bill? It was close to a quarter of a million dollars. Aha! I finally felt like I was getting my money's worth. Because Kaiser is an HMO, there were no forms to fill out or bills. I just had to pay my premiums and my co-pays for tests and visits. I did come out of pocket though for second opinions from non-Kaiser doctors, oncologists, and pathologists (approximately $1000).

In November of 2003, I was in a serious car accident. Kaiser did not have trauma center that could deal with my injuries so I was sent to Stanford Hospital where I received excellent care and Kaiser footed the bill. Well, almost. After I stabilized out of ICU where I spent about 6 weeks to the tune of $10,000 a day, they wanted to ship me back to Kaiser San Francisco so they could stop paying Stanford. Even though that would have been closer to my home, I had complex injuries that the Stanford folks were familiar with. I cried as I held the hand of Dr. Spain when he came to visit my hospital room to awkwardly say goodbye. I didn't know until later how hard my Stanford team fought the case workers representing Kaiser to let me stay with them.
But they lost, and I was ambulanced to Kaiser SF where I spent two weeks waiting for a re-hab bed to open up at Kaiser Vallejo. Meanwhile my level of care dropped enormously. I was lucky if I could get Physical therapy up to my room once a day, there was never a wheelchair available to get me to the bathroom so I developed a urinary tract infection which was missed and then developed into bladder stones which required surgery after I was released.

When I came home and my husband went back to work. I spent most of my days with a laptop, phone, and boxes of medical bills. In between doctor, nurse, and physical therapy appointments, my "job" was not only to get well, but to get my medical bills paid. Stanford would bill me since Kaiser wouldn't pay. Kaiser wouldn't pay because they didn't receive an EOB (Explanation of Benefits statement). Stanford would say that they sent the EOB to Kaiser. This would go on and on. Kaiser would not accept 1 EOB for my medical care. Instead every single visit, lab work up, medication, etc would require paperwork for each. That's thousands upon thousands of pieces of paper mailed back and forth over a three year period.

Eventually Kaiser threatened to ruin our credit if we didn't pay the medical bills before Stanford paid them. I am sure my medical care was close to the $5 million mark, and with the help of an attorney, we got Kaiser to pay Stanford's entire bill (even though that was part of their contractual obligation to me in return for my payment of premiums). Again, it's the principal of the thing. If I was older though or more frail, I doubt if the principal of the thing would matter to me anymore. And so it goes with these medical insurance organizations delaying payment and making it so onerous to get payment that the average consumer ends up paying twice- once for premiums and another time for medical care- not to mention the time and stress wasted.

It's all good though. I had fun with it. As I said to the Kaiser rep- "I am home now since spending four months in the hospital and I've got nothing better to do than to call you every single morning for the rest of my life for the thousands of EOB statements that I will need and for the thousands of EOB statements that I will need in the future from more surgeries I will be having. So, what is your name?"
"Hold on, a minute" the voice said. "I will get my manager."

Coaching Question- If you were sick, how would you manage your medical bills?

Where does it hurt?

The first time I fell after I left the hospital, I found myself in the emergency room at Stanford. Trying to lie still on a gurney in the hallway waiting for my doctor to come out of the operating room (and waiting for the vicodin to kick in), various interns would come by and check me out.
Blood pressure, check, temperature, check, x-ray waiting to be developed, check, pulse/ox -check. All the usual suspects were reviewed. Then each intern would poke at my leg- "Does it hurt here?" "What about here?" "Does it feel like a burn or an ache?" They stared at my leg and poked around and came to various conclusions about what was wrong. One intern, however, stood out from the crowd. He asked me how the accident happened, what was I doing at the time, what position was I in when I was on the floor, etc. He asked the big picture questions to conclude that I didn't fall because I was weak or dizzy and I didn't hurt my hip because of how I landed and that I did twist my knee because of how I fell on the prosthesis. He got the right answers from asking the right questions and at the end of our talk, I felt like he knew me and the how to diagnose without even reading my chart.

I am reminded of that scenario as I take a Master Coaching Class. It is easy to ask a client "what do you want to walk away with from this session" but during the course of the conversation you will find out that that is not really what they want. Let's look at an example. In the old days a client would come in with a particular problem, say a single woman in her late forties who hasn't saved enough for her retirement and knows she has to get a higher return with riskier investments in order to retire by 65. Most financial advisors would review her portfolio and give her suggestions on a new asset allocation to meet her needs. But is that where the "hurt" is? No. A Master Coach would go into what does her ideal retirement look like and what it means to her and what is she willing to do to get to her goals and what would her portfolio look like if she could attain her ideal retirement. Get the idea? Most Financial Advisors don't take the time to get to the bottom of what people really want nor do they have the skills to help discover what they want.

In the above example, the client's fear of not having enough at retirement needs to be addressed before any changes in her portfolio. Without addressing that, the client will continue to want to "tweak" her portfolio because her real needs have never been addressed. We call it Coaching the Essence.

Coaching Question- What "hurt" do you have that keeps you from being prosperous?

You say goodbye and I say hello

The house is totally empty of contents. The red oak floors are bare and I look into the space at all of the little details that soon I will not notice. I take a moment to meditate in the big space. The movers will be coming soon and boxes and furniture and art will soon full up this space. But right now, it is quiet and I am alone with my dog, Goldie, and I am taking in the space- the sliding glass door from the dining room to the patio, the "portabella' color on the walls, the solid double pane windows, the old white cabinets in the kitchen and linoleum floor, the dated color tiles in the bathrooms. A contrast of old and new.

I am entering a space where two women grew up with their parents for over 30 years. The agent had asked me to not enter the house until after the closing so they could say goodbye. I honored that. Both their parents died in retirement centers about a year after they moved out. Now I am entering what was their world. I notice the gate that let the neighbors into the back yard to use the pool after they had health problems. The drawer of accumulated warranty papers from old appliances -organized and neatly arranged- suggested an engineer type. The high workbench in the garage suggested a tall man. The self-made pull out drawers lvoingly made for his wife in the kitchen. The neatly arranged flower beds of hydrangea and roses, strawberries, and raspberries suggested a woman who paid attention. All these details reflected the life of people who once lived here. Obviously a life of love, and pride of ownership. I hope to continue that tradition as I live out my life here and I plan to keep the gate open, too, so the neighbors can use the pool.

Email me at fern@wholeheartedway.com for the phone number to dial into my free teleclass-"The 7 Steps to Creating Your Own Financial Plan" at 5pm PDT, Wednesday, August 15th.

Going Home

It was the saturday morning before the July 4th weekend, and here we were sitting in the Los aAtos office of Coldwell Banker. This was the culmination of 2 weeks of back and forth discussions between Joseph and I whether we should put an off on this house.
It all started with a phone call from Annette. Her friend Barbara said a home was being fixed up for sale, and that she thought it was the perfect home for us and that we should call the realtor and check it out.
I called the agent, Bea Waller, and she said that she was still fixing it up but I could see it at the open house that weekend. I called my agent, Gwen Luce, who knew Bea and arranged for me to see it on the brokers tour on Friday. As I drove to the home, I like the neighborhood immediately. People were walking and kids were riding their bikes and it was close to shops and a park. But the place was swarming with realtors representing potential buyers. I felt defeated already since I knew it would be another over-bidding situation and we had been outbidded twice already on other homes. The bones of this house were solid although the kitchen and bathrooms were dated and it had a slope up from the street. Nevertheless, there were a lot of positives. I mentally made a list of pros and cons and thought about the other homes we had seen, and figured this was a good home for us. When the weekend came, we had a list of 8 homes to see including this one and Joseph didn't like any of them. I still wanted to see the disclosures on the property. When I got them, I was impressed with what good shape it was in--- but the kitchen was a no go. We met once again at the property and Joseph warmed up to it but the kitchen would take so much money to remodel that it would be out of our price range. Or would it? I asked my architect friend, Gary, to take a look at it. He liked the home and gave us some ideas on how to reconfigure it and estimated that it would cost half of what we expected. With that info we thought we could get this house, but only if it wasn't bid up sky high. 14 disclosure packages went out and 8 offers came in. We were in the top three. Our agent recommended that we meet at the office so if any negotiations would happen, we could be there to approve. We agreed. As we walked in at 10 am I glaced by the partially opend door to a conference room where Bea was sitting with the 2 women (daughters of the parents) that just to own the property and their husbands. Neither daughter had lived in the property but I am sure they had fond memories of this family home and I made note of that in my letter to them of why they should choose us to buy their home. Joseph, I and Gwen sat in the waiting room for 2 hours until we broke for lunch. When we came back, Gwen had been the last to make the presentation and she said all went well, and now we have to wait. Around 1pm, there were 3 offers including ours that were all around the same price. We would have to offer more money. We went into a separate conference room and started to think of what we could afford. There was some comfort in knowing we could sell our San Francisco home if we had to. I said nothing, and let Joseph process until Gwen looked at me and said, "You really want this, don't you?"
"Yes, but it also had to be want Joseph wanted." And I didn't pressure him by talking.
He finally asked me what I thought. I gave him my low and my high.
He added $5K to my low and that was our offer.
At that moment, I was prepared to lose and prepared to win. And just prepared to let it be.
Then Gwen walked back in the room, and said one offer bowed out and now it was just us and another party. The tension in the air was thick but peaceful as we waited for a reply to our final offer. Then Bea walked in and said, "Congratulations! They have accepted your offer." I broke down in tears. Tears of relief and tears of joy that we got this beautiful home for just a bit over what we budgeted when we began this journey 8 months ago. We settled down and we were able to meet face to face with the sellers and thank them and we all hugged and cried and talked about the birds that came in the back yard and our dogs - our labradoodle and their two labs.
Happily we drove off to Costanoa for the 4th of July holiday. It was a very happy 4th of July for us even though I haven't gotten my new leg and I wasn't able to do any hiking.
It's been over three and a half years since the accident and I am now going home.

Business Debut

I have --let's see-- one insurance, one tax, one financial planning, and one investment advisory license to keep up. By keeping up I mean each license requires that I have so many specific continuing education credits a year. I didn't mind this burden since I would travel to conferences and see people and I was even the Treasurer on the Western Regional Board for the National Association of Personal Financial Advisors. So with all this traveling to 3-5 conferences a year, I got to get away from the office and learn and network at the same time. But after being in the hospital for 4 months, I struggled to keep up getting all my continuing education credits in while recovering. But--- I did it. With the help of all the online classes available, I still studied and got my licenses renewed. It really wasn't a burden for me since I actually enjoy this stuff. Weird, huh?

Anyway, I had the opportunity to go to a conference this year at the Palace hotel and get a bunch of credits in two days. I was apprehensive since I would run into so many people that I know and of course, haven't seen since the accident.

I found a "business" type pantsuit and Joseph dropped me off at the hotel early in the morning. It was great to be amongst my peers once again. People would stare and smile at me as they passed hurriedly, or stop and teary eyed asked how I was, and many asked if I was still practicing which gave me a chance to tell them about my new business-- Whole-Hearted-Way- a financial coaching service. Coaching is a hot topic in the advisory field. Fee-only planners are all about building relationships and many seasoned pros are trying to add more value to an already full and mature practice and coaching is the answer.

I hadn't practiced much on the escalator with my cane and as I got my name tag, the woman behind the desk noticed my hestitation to go down it. So she bellowed out--"Will anyone offer to help this woman down the escalator?" I was very embarassed and also happy to find out as I turned around that someone I knew, Milo Benningfield, said gently, "Fern, I would be happy to help you down." Relieved and happy to see him, I said okay and we went downstairs and talked about what we were doing in our business lives as much as we could before the lecture started.

After that, I felt very confident that I could do the escalator alone, and I did. And I am glad I went and I had a great time. I have a lot of information to share with you all so -keep checking this site often.

By the way I am offering a free teleclass called "The 7 Steps to Creating Your Own Financial Plan". Just call this bridge line at 4pm Pacific time on June 20th to listen in. Call 1-712-451-6000 Participant code is 838115# . Hope to hear from you at the teleclass!

Dancing At Petsmart

Once a week, we go grocery shopping together. My husband, Joseph and I got a late start and we also needed dog food so we stopped at Petsmart on the way home. It was about ten minutes before closing. The lights were dim but there were still some cars in the parking lot. As we walked in and realized two people were just finishing up to close, we decided to divide and conquer. He will go in the back and get the food, and I will stay up front and look for treats. I started turning packages over to see the ingredients, looking for words like: no- wheat, moist, small, and for puppies. Like finding a needle in a haystack I perused the shelves with the vigor of finding a small tax deduction. I laughed at myself thinking of all the energy I was putting into the quality of this puppy food. After all, it's just a dog! But, of course, it is hard not to get caught up in the nurturing aspect of owning a pet. I now had insight into what my clients and friends go through with their pets. I even had clients that bickered over who would take care of their dogs if they should die. All of a sudden, it is quite understandable to me.

"That's our song!" I heard a shout as I turned around and saw Joseph put the dog food down and grabbed me around my waist. It was our wedding song, "Have you ever loved a woman?" playing in the store. We hadn't heard it in a very long time, and I used to grab him and make him dance with me every time it played. (He hates to dance.) Now he was grabbing me and I lifted up my cane and we danced rather ackwardly in the store. It was a wonderful moment for me and very funny. Now that I am unable to dance, he wants to dance. Go figure. The moment was broken by the clerk who looked impatiently at us behind the register. We quickly broke apart and moved our stuff to him to check out. "It's our wedding song and our anniversary is coming up," Joseph explained to the clerk. The clerk smiled. "How many years?"
"It's been nine years." Joseph replied.
"Ten this July." I stated, as we grabbed our goods and left.
Congratulations, said the clerk smiling.
Thanks, I said. Every year is a good year.

Silence Kills

33 Dead at Virginia Tech. It’s with great sadness that I write about such a horrific event. On the news and radio everyone is discussing the ever pervasive question- What can be done? Well, first of all most states have laws that ban guns on campuses. But obviously that didn’t stop this 23 year old from legally obtaining one handgun and one semi-
automatic. And of course, these guns are our right to hunt deer and such…. yeah, right.

When I think of the high amount of Americans right now on some kind of medication for whatever, and you mix an emotionally unstable society with some loaded guns, and naturally I would expect some explosions to happen rather frequently. But wait, look closely---very closely… and you will see a common thread. It’s hidden and quiet beneath all of the media blabber. Do you know what it is? Give up? Well, I found it.

Each and every incident (including this one)--- someone knew that this person was highly unstable, dangerous, and needed help. Each and every instance no one took a stance to get the person help and follow through to see that they got the help they need. Students, teachers, priests, and all of us failed to help out a fellow human being shouting out for help. When someone is in physical pain, we rush to their side to give CPR, call the ambulance and alert the family. But when someone is in mental pain, we look away, hope that they will get help, tell no one, because of course, it’s none of our business. And just wish that they would get it together someday. Well, it’s time that we learn to recognize mental illness for what it is – a physical disability that needs help. It is all of our business to speak up and get these people the help that they need and our government, schools, and churches no longer can stick their heads in the sand and pretend that the growing number of children and adults in this country with mental illness will stay silent and go away. It will not go away and it is worsening. During any one-year period, up to 50 million Americans -- more than 22 percent -suffer from a clearly diagnosable mental disorder involving a degree of incapacity that interferes with employment, attendance at school or daily life. And suicide is the third leading cause of death for people between the ages of 15 and 24.

Emotional and mental disorders can be treated or controlled, but only one in five people who have these disorders seek help, and only four to 15 percent of the children suffering severe mental illnesses receive appropriate treatment. This unfortunate reality is further complicated by the fact that most health insurance policies provide limited mental health and substance abuse coverage, if any at all. But that shouldn’t stop you from speaking up.

If the teachers and the students had gotten this boy the help he needed, maybe this wouldn’t have happened and maybe more shootings will be averted. Silence can kill.
************************************************************************
Okay-okay- I got the message from you all to change the name of my blog since it has all these negative connotations because of the tv show LOST having the bad guys in the dharma initiative.

I am now officially fromfern.com. You don’t have to do anything. My web host will forward all to you. Thanks for the feedback. –From Fern

Just Take Off Your Leg!

I saw Dr. Bellino for my last visit on December 15 2006. I complained about my stamina and how I had tried to bicycle but because my right foot turned out so much, it wouldn't stay on a pedal. Most of my aerobic type exercise is walking, and nowadays I can't do much of that since I am waiting for a new prosthetis that will fit better so I can walk longer without pain. I am easily winded after walking a block.

He listened to me patiently and then said. "Why don't you swim?"

"How can I?" I blurted out. " I don't have a water leg yet to go into a pool."

"Just take your leg off and go in." He replied the obvious.

"Oh, okay," I said thinking about it in my head. In fact I have been thinking about it for months and finally took action. I found a warm water therapy pool in San Jose called the Timpany Center. I went there and signed up for Saturday morning classes.

I walked up to the registration desk and looked around as I waited for someone to respond to me. There were big windows showing a large pool in an L shape. There were lanes for walking and classes, and a shallow area for kids. People were doing laps, some were in a water aerobics class. Some kids and their parents were just splashing around. There were all kinds of ways to get in-- steps, ramp, and bars. Somehow I still couldn't imagine how I would get in. My right side isn't strong enough to bear my weight and hop down the ramp, and I couldn't figure out how I would get down the stairs with only one leg. Mmmm. I thought. Maybe I am making a big mistake. Maybe I shouldn't have listened to Bellino. I talked to Joseph about it and he encouraged me to go and that he would help me.

When we got there for our first class, our paperwork got misplaced and they had to find it. I now had less than fifteen minutes to get ready for class and get into the pool. The pressure was on. The young man took his time. Finally, I spoke up- "You know I haven't been in a pool since my accident over three years ago and I'm kinda nervous, and I want to get to this class on time."
He smiled, and handed me my membership card and pointed to the area of the pool where the class would be held. Joseph and I left our stuff in the family changing area and headed for the pool. The class was held in the deep area. I went over by the steps there. Joseph then suggested that I get in by the shallow area. But there was a crowd of people near there and I would have to go the entire distance of the pool and cross lap lanes to get to the class. I didn't want to make a scene by doing that. The stress of not knowing what to do and the consequences of getting hurt and the pressure of time was mounting so much--I just broke down and cried. That's usually what I do to stop the action and get some clarity about what has to happen next. I notice that it also helps others to forget about what they want you to do and focus on how they can help you instead. Weird, huh?

Well, I got into the pool and it was warm and wonderful and I love the class- kind of like pilates but in the water. I am much better at getting in and out of the pool now after three classes. But "just take your leg off"....well, it's not as easy as it sounds.

I remember the Timpany Center. I gave a talk there early in my career to a group of potential donors. I talked about the advantage of a charitable remainder trust and ways to give stock and real estate to the Timpany Center. The Executive Director there was a very kind and gentle man who had tears in his eyes as he gave me a tour of the facility and talked about its history. It's a little worn down since I had visited then but still a great resource for families, patients, and the disabled to enjoy a swim.

It's a Girl!

It's a girl! Our baby girl, Goldie, was born on September 16, 2006. She is a golden miniature labradoodle (part labrador retreiver and part poodle) - a non-shedding hypoallergenic pup.
We got her from a breeder in Nevada. She is about 10 pounds now and expected to grow to about 25 pounds and 14 inches high. Why a dog? Why now?

Well, Joseph and I always loved animals. We both had dogs when we were growing up. We just never had the time to be able to have an animal. We both worked long hours and on the weekends we were away most of the time.

Since my accident all that has changed. One of the highlights of our 5 month RV trip was the wild animals that we encountered. It was such a special experience to get up close and personal with alligators, wild donkeys, bison, prairie dogs, ferrets, herons, roadrunners, etc.
If you haven't seen our pics, check them out at http://www.jlarocca.typepad.com/rvlarocca. I think we loved that part of the trip even more than the beautiful scenery.

I am very popular at the puppy socialization classes. The minute I walked in all the puppies run to see this three legged woman. It was a little disarming when a large 14 week old Samoy named Cosmo walked around and through all my "legs". The big white fluff ball has a permanent smile on his face but you know he is up to mischief and I held my space until Cosmo walked away. After that we had an understanding, don't knock me down and I will play with you anyway.
What a nice compromise.

Right now we are in that 20 week window of opportunity to socialize your puppy to various people, and locations so we are hitting lots of Starbucks and Peets so she can meet and greet various people of all sizes and shapes. She is a big hit with everyone.

FAV Places

Everyone asks about our special places. There were so many (after 5 months and 30 states) it is hard to remember them all.
These are the ones that stand out in my mind:

Austin, Texas- great town- good diversity, music, outdoor activity, decent weather, affordable housing and a good college, too. Check out the Bats that hang under a bridge and come out every evening for a big show. Food here isn't bad either.

Chicago- got high marks on our list and was a big surprise for us too. We really thought we would really like Atlanta but it turned into a disappointment and Chicago replaced it. Wonderful architecture and a real walking city, great shopping, entertainment, parks and rec, water fun.
Of course, got to try the chicago pizza and garretts popcorn (people stand in line for this stuff) and got to see Second City comedy club.

Little towns like Oxford, Miss. and Franklin Tenn. were right out of small town America. We ate at Dotson's in Franklin (a favorite of the Judd sisters) and had the best fried chicken and pecan pie.

Vermont was especially quaint. Many artisans there who support one another and a vibrant local economy. It felt very much like being in a rain forest- such a bright green background that the cows looked like they were painted black and white. We got a lesson on the varieties of maple syrup and saw how they make cheese there. There was also the Lake Chaplain chocolate factory and the Danforth family pewter business. Had to indulge in Ben and Jerry's there and a visit to the Dog chapel by artist Stephen Huneck. So much to see and do here and the locals were wonderful.

Little KOA campgrounds where we saw breathtaking sunsets, waterfalls, and lots of wildlife- roadrunners, elk, prairie dogs, bison, woodpeckers, hawks, etc. You don't realize just how beautiful this country is and how much wilderness we still have left until you drive through it.

Why I am thankful to be back

Everyone asks us why we have come back to the Bay Area. We also get a lot of questions asking us what were our favorite places and why. (We traveled 30 states in 5 months in a small RV). So here goes—

Top #1 reason we are back----The WEATHER!
That’s right --- you can listen all you want about how it doesn’t snow much any more in other parts of the country but there are also rainy seasons, mud seasons, and much muck in between. We are truly blessed here to be close to the ocean yet have varied terrain and geographical access to the mountains (Lake Tahoe), the wine country (Sonoma, Napa), the desert (Death Valley), a fabulous city (San Francisco), and beautiful countryside (North Bay). And we can accommodate any activity you would ever want- tennis, golf, sailing, hiking, biking, etc. So go outside- it’s nice!

Okay, Okay- so we pay through the nose for this beauty (high housing and state income tax) but you should see the property taxes some states are charging! Wow! And there is no cap on that folks. So thank your lucky sunshine state for a 1.125% fixed real estate tax on your property.

Top #2 reason- DIVERSITY
Sure, sure there are a few other states that have a diverse population but the sunshine state doesn’t just have a diverse population--- we embrace it. There is a natural desire here to know other cultures (not just accept them). Indian, Japanese, Afghani, Chinese, etc. restaurants and people all thrive here. In other words, we can all just get along –and like it.

Top #3 reason- INNOVATION and CREATIVITY
Again, there are other top notch scientific and tech areas in the US, but nothing like our own Bay Area. You can find cutting edge art, medical, scientific, business, architecture, and business models here every day. That makes it an exciting and interesting place to live and work. Believe me, you don’t find that every state. That also means lots of job growth here. When the rest of the country dives into housing downturns and high unemployment, the sunshine states holds up quite well during every economic downturn because we have the innovation taking place at all levels.

My next post will be our fav places!

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving! It was a very beautiful day....

Back in Cali

Okay, it's official. The LaRoccas are back in town. After 5 months on the road in an RV, we came back to the Bay Area for a lot of reasons. We visited friends and family in the south bay, east bay, north bay and south san francisco. We looked at houses to buy and got a feel for the communities and the housing prices all over. While we loved how much house you could get for the money in the east bay, that bridge and tunnel (BT) is a commuting nightmare. Since Joseph will be working in tech we decided not to anchor there. We both love Marin but had no idea how hilly it was. I guess that's why it is a mountain biking haven.

Yikes! I didn't know how difficult it would be to find a ranch style home. There were a lot of ranches in San Rafael and Novato- but again, the commute would be too difficult. So we explored the south bay. I adore the Los Gatos/ Saratoga area. Lots of ranch homes, and cute shops all at the base of the mountains--but after talking to friends there-- Yikes! What a commute to get out of there! I guess we were a little naive about just how bad the traffic is in the Bay Area. So we settled on Los Altos. Right in the middle- great schools- lots of ranch style homes on cul-de-sacs lined with big old oak trees. Easy to get to from 101 or 280, and a bustling little downtown with local shops and restaurants. Meanwhile we got an apartment at Cherry Orchard - a new apartment complex in Sunnvale. We can walk to Trader Joe's and Borders and Starbucks and there is a pool and gym here, too. Stop by and say hello.

Menawhile life is about working with my coaching clients, writing, meditation, catching up with friends, looking at real estate.

I will cover all those "reasons" we came back in my next post. Sorry I had to turn the comments off. The spammers invaded my site. But I am working on an upgrade so you all can post once again.

Keep Driving

Keep Driving

“If you ever were going to listen to me, then this is the time to listen……keep driving,” she said.” His wife spoke these words as he reluctantly drove his family to Mississippi at the last minute to escape Hurricane Katrina.

The well dressed concierge at the Chicago hotel told me this story of how he left New Orleans for a new life in Chicago. Despite several hours driving and getting his car broken into, he is glad he listened to his wife that day. His two boys are in good schools and he has a good job even though he misses his friends in New Orleans.

I kept driving, too, as I dropped out of college in New Orleans and left my home, family, and friends for a new life on the west coast. I still keep in touch with most of them, and I still consider it one of the best decisions that I have ever done for myself. At that time, the city had high unemployment and was riddled with drugs and violence not unlike today- over 30 years later.

It takes a lot of @#$%*&!!! to change and to change big. It is said that moving and changing relationships are two of the highest stressors that can cause suicide. But there are no studies about the stress and oppressive feelings that come when nothing is happening and you wallow in the desire for something more or something different but never make that leap. I coach people who want to make transitions- transitions from poverty to wealth- from boring job to exciting career- from single to happily in relationship. It’s not easy but always worthwhile.

Along a long stretch of highway we watched the sky turn colors as the sun set. “Do you want to stop?” my husband said.

“No, not yet. Let’s keep driving,” I said as I marveled at the various colors in the clouds and felt the wind in my hair.

“Let’s keep driving.”

Know but Not Know

"I miss Emily, sometimes” Aunt Belle said as she looked out her kitchen window and took a sip of her highball. Emily (my grandmother) was my godmother’s (I call her Aunt Belle) best friend. “I knew that would be the last time I would see her,” she went on. My eyes got big and I took a big swig of my highball. How did she know that that would be the last time she saw her? I thought to myself. Well, of course. How did I NOT think that that would be the last time they were together?

My 83 year old grandmother had colon cancer and no longing being able to take care of her from 3,000 miles away, my brother and I decided to move her to California where her last living relatives (me and Allen) could take care of her. This meant taking her away from her best friend and everything that she had known for most of her life. I knew this was a sensitive issue and somehow I didn’t want to look at that. But 10 years later after the death of my grandmother, her best friend was reliving the last time they were together.

I remember that day well. It was a beautiful spring day and they sat outside in lawn chairs and I was on the swing that was tied to a big old pecan tree where I used to play as a child. We drank “highballs” and I let the old ladies talk and giggle as we all drank -me more so than them. In their chatter, I did not suspect at that time that in there own little way, they were saying goodbye to one another for the last time (know but not knowing).

It has been over 30 years since I have seen my girlfriend, Sue. She called me from seeing my name and number on the internet. She had just gotten over open heart surgery and I had just got out of a four month stay in the hospital; we had a lot in common. Here I am sitting at her kitchen table in Ohio and chatting. We both lived in an ashram back in the early seventies and we have built a strong foundation in meditation and mindfulness since then. We sat together this morning before she left for work and we hugged each other as we said our goodbyes and promised to stay in touch. I now know what it was like for my Aunt Belle. As you get older, you realize that each goodbye could be your last.
Goodbye, Sue! Be well.

See our travel blog at
http://jlarocca.typepad.com/rvlarocca

Selfishness

THE LEAP OF DARING

In order to overcome selfishness, it is necessary to be daring. It is
as
though you were dressed in your swimsuit, standing on the diving board
with
a pool in front of you, and you ask yourself: "Now what?" The obvious
answer is: "Jump." That is daring. You might wonder if you will sink or
hurt yourself if you jump. You might. There is no insurance, but it is
worthwhile jumping to find out what will happen. The student warrior
has to
jump. We are so accustomed to accepting what is bad for us and
rejecting
what is good for us. We are attracted to our cocoons, our selfishness,
and
we are afraid of selflessness, stepping beyond ourselves. So in order
to
overcome our hesitation about giving up our privacy, and in order to
commit
ourselves to others' welfare, some kind of leap is necessary.

From "Renunciation and Daring," in SHAMBHALA: THE SACRED PATH OF THE
WARRIOR, the Shambhala Library Edition, page 63.

I am saddened by the death of Christopher Bock. A longtime friend of a friend but still a wonderful memory in my mind.

Have Gun- Will Travel

Before we started on our journey, I read that nearly 40% of RVers carry a gun. When I mentioned this to my husband, I already had conjured up thoughts of rowdy, drunken, people waving 450 magnums in the air and partying all nite in every available RV park that we would want to go to. LOL.

He reminded me that this was not unusual since most Americans do carry some form of concealed weapon; a fact that doesn't come to my consciousness in the comfort of the liberal Bay Area- (home of the nuts and flakes as one Texan called us. )

Yet as we traveled, it was ordinary to see notices in bars and restuarants and parks reminding people to keep their little snub noses and 9 millimeters tucked away in their cases and not to be displayed. The displays are reserved for glass cases in truck stops and "hunting shops" where along with your knives, and duck hunting map. You can pick up a AK-47. A real necessity for deer or duck hunting....yeah, right.

For the latest check us out at http://www.jlarocca.typepad.com/rvlarocca

They like me- they really like me

We were at the Atlanta Aquarium. Why? Because it bills itself as the largest aquarium in the world and – it’s brand new.

It’s a bad start when you go to a venue and you don’t know where to enter and there are no signs instructing you. But never mind that. Joseph dropped me off at the curb and he went to park. I walked around the outer circle ramp of the entrance since no one was allowed to walk down the stairs to the entrance. Strange, but true.

I purchased the tickets and we entered only to find a dark hallway and a bunch of people looking lost. We figured out the correct hallway and walked into a big circle in the middle of the building with circular exhibits to be entered from the sides. While I appreciate the effort for a circular space, the feeling was so spacious, that the whole event seemed scattered. We appreciate beautiful buildings and design but most of all we appreciate things that not only wow us with beauty but are useful, and practical. I especially like buildings that easily promote the flow of people in different directions. This building missed the mark but the exhibits more than made up for it. We were able to see very unique species that we had not seen in Monterey Bay or the Academy of Sciences Aquariums.

My favorite is the ethereal Beluga Whales. Their beauty and grace are just awesome. They always draw a crowd and it was hard to get up close to the glass to see them. I waited patiently and found a space. To my surprise, they instantly came over to me. Hee, hee, I thought, they really like me! They really like me! I caught their eye and silently talked to them. We danced in a silent space for awhile.

As we left and walked over to the seals, I noticed the same thing happening. Only this time, I knew what voice they heard from me. It was the voice of my cane. As I walked towards them, they felt the vibration and swam over to it. I would test this by pounding my cane to my right and then to my left. The seals would move to each area where I put my cane. The children around me squealed in delight. Pretty soon, they would follow me to watch me pound my cane near the glass and watch the fish come. That’s when I knew it was time to stop.

Making magic is fun when it is spontaneous and authentic – not deliberate and showy. Kinda like real life, huh?

The Terror Among Us

The Oklahoma Memorial to the 168 people who died there was very beautiful and quite moving. Bronze chairs atop a glass square with each name of the victims inscribed lit up at night on a grassy area where a building used to be. Little chairs represented the children who died there.

We also took a little city tour of Austin. Very nice city, four star rated by the LaRocca’s. Good public transportation, music, food, friendly people, nice parks and activities, low cost housing and low crime rates. Never mind that it is situated on a fault line. One that is permanently inactive, our guide said. Yeah, right.

They have also had their share of tragedy with a sniper that took out 45 people in 1999. We watched on CNN the life sentences of Mohammed and Malvo who terrorized the Washington Virginia area. These acts are a constant reminder that terrorism doesn’t come from overseas- that’s it’s been here and among us for centuries.

Houston is a large sprawling city. Everyone here is nice and have that all American look about them. No tattoos, piercings, or out of the ordinary Macy’s store clothes. We especially like the Kemah Boardwalk and Seabrook – little beach towns near Galveston. They had clean, fun activities for everyone and cute little summer houses along the beachfront.

Galveston was a bust- more like a very poor town with a little tacky tourist area and big ugly oil platforms that dot its coastline.

Off for more sites of death and destruction…………my hometown, New Orleans.

Memorial Day

I would like to pass on this wonderful message from a dear friend-

Memorial Day is a U.S. holiday to mourn those who have died in our wars over years. As a veteran of one of our largest wars, World War II, I would like to take this occasion to offer tribute to the many who died there. It is impossible for anyone, I should hope, who has seen death up close through violence to see anything but tragedy in this way of settling disputes. So, to the more than 1500 men who died in my division, I offer thanks.

Bill Gordon

“Keep you intelligence white-hot and your grief glistening,
so your life will stay fresh.”

The Soul of Rumi,

The Divine

As we can’t help but snap tons of pictures trying to capture the awesome beauty around us in these southern Utah parks, our conversation turns toward the Divine. In particular,
The Da Vinci code. Okay, I didn’t read the book, but Joseph read it while I was hospitalized and he enjoyed it. I haven’t had time to pick it up, I was reading “Whole hearted Way” at the time, and eventually named my coaching website after the title.
Still I have been following the controversy around the film and the book. Joseph being an agnostic sees how the Church would want to maintain Jesus as God and not an ordinary man in order to elevate his teachings as gospel.
The film also gives a negative view of Opus Dei – a devout Christian lay group that practice self- mortification by the wearing of a thorned brace on the upper thigh. I remember as a little girl raised in Catholic schools my admiration for such practice. In fact, I studied the Saints and picked St. Dorothy as my confirmation saint. Dorothy put stones in her shoes and thorns in her hair and offered up her pain and suffering for the sins of the world. As I grew older in my twenties, I realized how stupid this was and that a kind and benevolent God would not want us to inflict pain on ourselves. We get enough pain and suffering in our ordinary lives, thank you. An even older and hopefully wiser adult now, I understand the teachings of Jesus and Buddha- that the unenlightened life is suffering and that they taught us to offer up our everyday suffering for the sake of others that they shall not suffer. In other words, when we can understand our suffering in the bigger views that others suffer too, and that our pain and suffering is universal and not unique to just us, then that suffering becomes much more bearable and much more “small” than our minds would like us to believe.
This is a common trait among all religions and spiritual practices. And that is what we all need today- is to find what we all have in common, our Basic Goodness, not our differences.

Check out our travel blog at http://jlarocca.typepad.com/rvlarocca/

Trying to leave it all behind

Okay, we finished cleaning the apartment, got our PO box taken care of , all the bills are online,- I just need to take my driving test to get out of here. We pleaded in person at the DMV - and wow!, it worked. Note to self- pleading works) We have an appt tomorrow morning for me to take the test, after that, an appt with the dentist, and then hopefully one last appt with my prosthetist and we are off on our long RV trip. Whew!

Meanwhile we are staying at the Holiday Inn. We will be staying at the H Inns and the Hiltons on our trip. They usually have good handicap rooms. We were disappointed right away. First, they got the room rate wrong, then the card key wouldn't work, and then there was no shower chair for me in the bathroom. (Luckily I brought my own.) I am beginning to see that this ADA thing is a sham.

We had lunch at a Fresh Choice and after getting our salads, I excused myself to go to the bathroom. The handicap stall was out of order. If I was in a wheelchair, I would have been hosed. Luckily for me I am not, but since I have been in the past, I am sensitive to the issue and am aware of the challenges that handicap people have. It's not pretty out there and as the population gets older- ---well, hopefully things will improve.

Meanwhile, I guess you all have seen what is going on at the Kaiser Kidney transplant program in the news. I am following it closely since I have been helping a good friend of mine get his second translplant. I have got a donor lined up for him but an infection has put it on hold. Meanwhile Kaiser said they won't pay for his transplant unless he transfers from UCSF where he is being treated to the new Kaiser program which has people dying while waiting to have their surgery. See article below.

Kaiser Put Kidney Patients at Risk
By opening its own transplant center in the Bay Area, the HMO harmed recipients' odds of obtaining organs, a Times probe finds.
By Charles Ornstein and Tracy Weber
Times Staff Writers

May 3, 2006

In mid-2004, more than 1,500 Kaiser Permanente patients awaiting kidney transplants in Northern California got form letters that forced them to change the course of their treatment.

Kaiser would no longer pay for transplants at outside hospitals, even established programs with thousands of successes. Instead, adult patients would be transferred to a new transplant center run by Kaiser itself — the first ever opened by the nation's largest HMO.

Within months after Kaiser's kidney program in San Francisco started up, its waiting list ranked among the longest in the country. No other center had ever put together such a list so fast.

The patients didn't know it, but their odds of getting a kidney had plummeted.

Kaiser's massive rollout in Northern California endangered patients, forcing them into a fledgling program unprepared to handle the caseload, according to a Times investigation based on statistical analyses, confidential documents and dozens of interviews.

Hundreds of patients were stuck in transplant limbo for months because Kaiser failed to properly handle paperwork. Meanwhile, doctors attempting to build a record of success shied away from riskier organs and patients, slowing the rate of transplants performed.

National transplant regulators apparently did not notice the program's failures, though some were obvious in the statistics the regulators themselves posted on the Internet.

In 2005, the program's first full year, Kaiser performed only 56 transplants, while twice that many people on the waiting list died, according to a Times analysis of national transplant statistics.

At transplant centers statewide, the pattern was the reverse: More than twice as many people received kidneys than died.

Kaiser also suffered by comparison to the two outside hospitals that previously had tended to its Northern California patients. In each of the two years before Kaiser opened its program, UC San Francisco and UC Davis medical centers together performed at least 168 transplants on Kaiser patients, three times as many as Kaiser managed in its first full year.

"If they couldn't handle as many as they were doing before, they should have just transferred some" patients, said Neva Smith, whose daughter, Alison Bertino, was moved to Kaiser from UC San Francisco.

Bertino, 30, died last June while waiting for a kidney.

It is difficult to say whether she or any other Kaiser patients died as a direct result of the program's faltering start. What is clear is that many fewer patients received transplants than before, forcing them to remain on grueling sessions of dialysis to remove impurities from their blood. Prolonged dialysis can lead to deadly complications and decrease the chances of a successful transplant later.

The problems at Kaiser went beyond mere growing pains, current and former employees said: Surgeons and kidney specialists battled over who should receive transplants. Desperate patients complained of inexplicable delays. Since the program opened, 10 permanent employees have quit or been fired out of a staff of 22.

"On the outside, the program seems to have settled into a reasonably functioning unit," kidney specialist Dr. W. James Chon wrote to the hospital's physician-in-chief Jan. 23, not long before he was placed on administrative leave.

"However, a closer look at the program will show that it is suffering from very serious and potentially explosive problems," he said.

In interviews with The Times, Kaiser officials initially denied that there were problems. "Everything has been going on track," head transplant surgeon Arturo Martinez said last week.

Since then, other officials have acknowledged that the program had provided The Times with incomplete or misleading information. The chief physician at Kaiser's main San Francisco hospital conceded that the issues were "very serious."

"Time will tell whether 'explosive' was an appropriate adjective or not," said Dr. Bruce Blumberg, referring to Chon's letter.

But, he said, the problems have not affected care for the patients on the waiting list, now totaling about 2,000. No patients have died after transplants, and surgeons hope to boost their output to about 90 transplants this year, Blumberg said.

"I'm very pleased at the work done by the transplant program in the first year," he said.

Kaiser's troubled launch — coming to light after scandals forced the closure of two transplant programs in Southern California last year — underscores the dearth of oversight in the field of transplantation.

Leaders of the United Network for Organ Sharing, the federally funded group responsible for the nation's organ transplant system, said they knew nothing of Kaiser's woes until The Times contacted them.

Dr. Andrew Klein, director of transplant programs at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles and a member of the network's board, said moving patients to new centers should never compromise the care they receive.

Just "because they had to change centers they shouldn't have to change their [chances] of getting transplanted," he said.

'Timing Was Perfect'

The jump into transplants made good sense for Kaiser.

The San Francisco hospital's open-heart surgery program was shrinking as less-invasive procedures became more popular. Kaiser was left with unused beds and operating rooms. By chance, Martinez, a transplant surgeon at Sharp Memorial Hospital in San Diego, broached the idea with Kaiser officials in early 2002.

"The timing was perfect," Blumberg said.

In August 2003, officials told the media that they could do a better job for their kidney transplant patients by working with the network of doctors, labs and pharmacies serving Kaiser's 3.2 million members in Northern California. (Kaiser still contracts with outside hospitals to serve transplant patients in Southern California and elsewhere.)

"We should be able to achieve higher outcomes," Dr. Sharon Inokuchi, the transplant program's new medical director told the San Francisco Business Times at the time. In the long run, officials said recently, they believed they could save money too.

Kaiser members are part of a unique healthcare entity that runs both a health plan and a hospital system. Except in rare circumstances, members get their care only from Kaiser hospitals and affiliated Permanente medical group doctors.

In June 2004, Kaiser informed kidney patients on waiting lists at UC San Francisco and UC Davis that from then on their transplants would take place at Kaiser's hospital northeast of Golden Gate Park in San Francisco. The first transplant was performed that October.

Relatives of some patients recalled the letters offering no promises and little comfort.

Patient Rodney Clay's letter began with the salutation, "Dear Clay, Rodney," and warned: "You will be financially responsible for any kidney transplant services you receive from the University of California, San Francisco, after Sept. 1, 2004."

Clay died in September 2005 after being forced to move to Kaiser and then being shifted back to UC San Francisco because of complications.

"It was just messy the way that they handled it," said his wife, Deborah. "We were in a state of shock."

Art Hanson also complained about the handoff. He said his life partner, Rodante Tolentino, "got in a snit" with Kaiser officials.

"They wanted him to break his ties [with UC San Francisco] and have nothing to do with them, and it was like, 'You either do what we say or screw you,' " Hanson said. Tolentino, who had been on UC San Francisco's list since 1998, grew tired of waiting and went to the Philippines in search of a transplant last fall. By that time, he was too sick, Hanson said. Tolentino refused dialysis and his medications and died in November at age 61.

Hope Turns to Dismay

Not everyone was dismayed about the switch to Kaiser.

When Ruben Porras, a pressman at the Sacramento Bee, found out that he was being transferred from UC Davis, his family thought it might improve his chances of getting a transplant, said his wife, Elizabeth.

After three years on the waiting list at UC Davis, he was close to getting a new kidney there.

"It's likely that he would have been transplanted fairly soon," said Dr. Richard Perez, chief of the UC Davis transplant center.

The family's anticipation soon turned to frustration.

"Nothing happened," Elizabeth Porras said. "Everything stood still. I lost faith in it all."

Although her husband, who was in his 40s, was on the list for a cadaver kidney, several of his relatives were willing to donate one of their own kidneys, and UC Davis had been assessing them, she said. That process halted when Kaiser took over Porras' case and relatives' calls went unreturned, she added.

Porras and 66 other UC Davis patients unwittingly faced another obstacle. Organs are distributed regionally, and the waiting time for a kidney in the crowded San Francisco area is about double that in the Sacramento area, where UC Davis is. Elizabeth Porras said her husband was never told that his wait would jump from about three years to a possible six with the move to Kaiser's new center.

The transfer hurt Porras' chances in another way.

In the San Francisco area, kidneys are primarily allocated based on how much time patients have spent on a master waiting list. When patients switch to other programs, it is essential that they get credit for the time they've already spent waiting. Otherwise it will appear that they are new additions with no seniority, and their waits will start from scratch.

In Porras' case, Kaiser took nearly a year to transfer the time he had spent on the waiting list at UC Davis, Perez said. That meant he landed at the bottom of the list in the San Francisco area, putting a new kidney out of reach any time soon.

The same was true for hundreds of others at UC Davis and UC San Francisco who were stranded between programs for months by Kaiser's delays or paperwork snafus, the Times investigation found.

Even today, UC San Francisco has about 220 Kaiser patients on its list whose time has not been properly transferred to Kaiser, said Dr. Stephen Tomlanovich, medical director of the university medical center's renal transplant service.

Tomlanovich said UC San Francisco has contacted Kaiser's Inokuchi or her co-workers repeatedly by phone, fax and e-mail concerning the patients. But Inokuchi said she has never heard from the university hospital about these patients.

Regarding Porras' case, Inokuchi said she could not comment because of confidentiality restrictions.

But chief surgeon Martinez said, "We made every possible effort to make sure that people were not caught in the middle."

Unaware of this fumbling, Porras was tethered to dialysis, weathering one complication after another.

"There's no other life out there for you other than being treated," his wife said. "He had no energy to do anything, go anywhere or do things for himself."

Cost of Survival Rate

One statistic Kaiser proudly cites is its patients' survival rate after transplantation: None of its patients have died in the year after their surgeries.

"I got great care there," said Hamilton Meek, 56, who got his kidney at Kaiser in March. "I just knew it was a matter of time before I got the kidney."

Maintaining that survival record, however, appears to have come at a price.

Through June 2005, Kaiser accepted only 16.7% of the kidney offers on behalf of its patients, far less than neighboring programs: California Pacific Medical Center accepted 29.5% and UC San Francisco 24.1% in the same reporting period.

Many experienced programs, with the consent of patients, also accept organs from a separate pool of risky donors — older people, for instance, or people with health problems. The idea is to cut patients' waits.

Kaiser almost never tapped into this pool, which supplied kidneys for 15% of transplants in the Bay Area last year, according to the local organ bank. Through December, Kaiser had accepted just one.

Kaiser chief surgeon Martinez said that's because only one patient had signed up.

Officials from UC Davis and UC San Francisco said their numbers show that many Kaiser patients had, in fact, been interested. At UC Davis, before Kaiser started its program, 20 Kaiser patients had signed up for the organs; at UC San Francisco, 23.

Ella Haynes said her husband, Ronald, had signed up to receive two of these riskier kidneys at UC Davis. But when he transferred to Kaiser, the couple were told that the former Central Valley trucker "would be better served to wait it out and get one good kidney."

"You just believe what you hear and what you're told," Ella Haynes said.

In March 2005, her husband died of a blood infection.

Although he never knew it, he didn't have a chance. His 2 1/2 -year wait at UC Davis was never transferred to Kaiser, said Perez of UC Davis, effectively shutting him out of a transplant.

Staff Infighting

Inside the Kaiser center, the stress of jump-starting the massive program took a toll.

Although Kaiser officials had brought in experienced physicians, much of the core staff had never worked with transplant patients — or one another.

In early 2005, the program's first transplant administrator left. Barely a year later, her replacement was terminated.

One kidney specialist, Dr. Eric Savransky, walked off the job this February, cleared out his office and has not returned, colleagues said. Officials say he is technically on leave.

Chon, the physician who complained of potentially explosive problems, was also put on leave in February after feuding with medical director Inokuchi about the way the program was being run, current and former employees said.

In his January letter to the hospital's top physician, Chon described staffers battling over which patients should receive transplants.

One 73-year-old woman, he wrote, had been waiting, initially at UC San Francisco, since 1999. Chon said he and his colleagues felt that although she was a high-risk patient, she was a viable candidate. But Inokuchi refused to sign off, he wrote, until she saw additional medical records — which Chon said were irrelevant.

"I truly believe that [Inokuchi's] decision to overrule four other transplant physicians was unjust and unethical," he wrote in his letter.

In an interview, Inokuchi said Chon had "incomplete information" and could not make a proper assessment. Chon said he stands by his letter.

The patient's daughter, Karen Sorensen, said she is incensed at Kaiser's treatment of her mother, Corra Mayo. First, she said, no one from the hospital tried to contact Mayo for eight months after she was transferred from UC San Francisco, where she had been near the top of the waiting list since early 2004.

Then, Sorensen said, Kaiser staff couldn't find Mayo's medical records and didn't return repeated phone calls. Finally, the daughter said, she begged a receptionist for help and her mother got an appointment with Chon.

"They had too many people to handle, and they don't know how to handle them," Sorensen said.

Mayo, now 74, has been undergoing dialysis three times a week. "It's the worst way to live," Sorensen said. Late Monday, Mayo was called into the hospital to be prepared for a transplant, but it is unclear whether she will receive one.

Blumberg, the hospital's ranking physician, said the dispute over Mayo's care demonstrates the staff infighting plaguing the program.

He also said Inokuchi had been "relieved" of her administrative duties to focus on patient care. He did not elaborate.

With all the departures, Inokuchi is the only kidney specialist left to manage patients' care in the hospital after their transplants, see them for checkups, handle calls for medical advice, review lab results and evaluate patients.

Blumberg said he is seeking additional kidney specialists, called nephrologists, and has offers out to two.

Transplant surgeons at other hospitals say programs of Kaiser's size would have trouble functioning without at least four or five transplant nephrologists. Cedars-Sinai, for example, has a waiting list less than a quarter the size of Kaiser's but has three nephrologists and is hiring a fourth.

Too Late for Patient

That Kaiser's problems are now becoming public is of little comfort to Elizabeth Porras.

Last fall, her husband developed an infection related to his dialysis. Despite attempts to treat it, he died Oct. 20 at age 47.

Each Sunday, she takes roses to his grave.

Her last contact with Kaiser came right after Ruben's death. A representative called to ask if she would donate his organs.

"I was really close to telling them, 'Yeah, you can have his kidneys,' " she said.

As I write this on wednesday, the 10th of May, the ten o'clock news is on with representatives from Kaiser saying that they are sorry and they will cover all transplants done outside at other medical faciilities for members. Maybe they should call the relatives of the 100 people who have died and say they are sorry, too. Don't worry, I am sure they will ......after the lawyers get done with them. And believe me, the big guns (attorneys) are all over this. More about them later.

Beach Oysters Test Pack

What a great weekend. Take my little neice on an overnite RV trip to olema ranch inn. Met friends there and we had a fire and made somemores and headed out for heart's desire beach the next day (my fav place). The weather was beautiful and then we packed up and had some oysters at Johnson's and the kids learned how oysters were made. and slurped a few themselves. (I don't think I will be buying anymore oysters from Johnson's after reading the Sierra Club article about them and their unsafe practices around oyster farming and the environment.)

Well, we have said all of our good-byes and the movers are coming tomorrow morning. We will stay at a holiday inn for a few days to wrap up some things. A major setback was this morning. I went to take my driving test with my hand controls and the instructor would not let me take the driving test because we did not have a license plate on the front of the car which is now a CA law. UGH! We waited in line and paid the $$ -got the plates- waited in line- and then pleaded with the safety office to issue me a new exam date right away. So- sometime this week I will be taking the test. Meanwhile-pack, pack, pack.

As you know I take notes weird bumper stickers. Here is a new one I saw recently:
"I love my country...... but I really think we should start seeing other people."

Here's a little something to chew on ( I can't help it, I am a big H.H. fan!) :

Generally, the experiences that you normally regard as pleasurable and
happy, such as having the physical comfort of good facilities and so
forth, if they are examined at a deeper level, will be revealed to be
changeable and therefore in the nature of suffering. They provide you with
temporary satisfaction; because of that temporary satisfaction you
regard them as experiences of happiness. But if you keep on pursuing them,
they will again lead to the experience of suffering. Most of these
pleasurable experiences are not really happiness in the true sense of the
word, but only appear as pleasure and happiness in comparison to the
obvious sufferings that you have.

--from "Path to Bliss: A Practical Guide to Stages of Meditation" by
H.H. the Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyatso, translated by Geshe Thubten Jinpa,
edited by Christine Cox, published by Snow Lion Publications

A New Workout

We went to see a new ankle and foot sugeon for a second opinion. He was very attentive and articulate- a bright young fellow. Apparantly one of 8 in CA that specialize in Ankle Foot problems. After examining my foot and looking at the healed blister and the bulging ingrown nail, he calmly told me that walking should not be my form of exercise (as it has been.) He recommended swimming which would be great except that I don't have a waterproof prosthetic leg yet (my leg keeps changing and each one costs about $20,000). I am waiting for my leg to "stabilize" so I can get one.
So it looks like the hand bike- Ugh, very boring. I am hoping to get someone to strap my foot down on a bike pedal so I can do some stationary bike training. Otherwise, it's weight training and that's about it, folks. Ugh.

He did give me a referral to an Orthosist so I hope I can get a recommendation on a new orthotic so these blisters stop. New terms, huh? Did you know Prosthetist and Orthosist can be two different professions? I don't know if I am even spelling it right. LOL.

On a positive note, although I didn't give a talk at Sonoma Mountain Zen Center this year (I wasn't invited, and I couldn't get up there anyway). The San Francisco Shambhala Center asked if I could give a talk and it was quite lovely- you know, working with what is and not what we would like it to be- I am getting a lot of experience with that.

I also got my interview with Cynthia Moku, a thangka painter published in The Dot. It was moved around a bit by the editor so it's a little dry that I would have liked it - but it's practice and I have another assignment with them coming up.

“Keep you intelligence white-hot and your grief glistening,
so your life will stay fresh.”

- The Soul of Rumi

The Grand Canyon

That magical chasm representative of heaven, earth, and man. The Abyss- a precipice of soft earthy colors embedded in rock with natural light and shadows playing with the textures of the various formations.
Caught a glimpse of the once endangered condor bird, with a wingspan of 9 feet. It casts a large shadow over all as it quickly soars past. The sun and shade bring out the rich colors of the walls of the canyon; blues, greens, black, rust and variations of brown. We do a combination of walking and driving the approximate 10 mile stretch of the South rim. Children and adults of all nationalitilies pass us- Indians, French, Germans. Accents are abound. Everyone is joyfull in the setting of this incredible show of beauty. The rock formations have various names like Vishnu Temple, confuscious Temple, Angel's Gate, and Zuni Point. Hmm.... wonder where those names came from. Maybe representative of the people walking the rim. They also range from 270 million years old to 1.68 billion years old. I remember how much I liked geography in college a lot.
We had dinner and drinks at the El Tovar Inn overlooking the rim and passed on the Imax movie of the Canyon and called it a day. A wonderful day. The canyon runs 10 miles wide and 5 miles deep, and is postcard picture perfect. The park is well laid out- unlike Yosemite. There is a good mix of shuttles, cars, and people so there was a feeling of spaciousness. We were fortunate to get a Golden Access card and so were were able to go places with the RV that only tour buses and walkers could go to. Almost all of the people I saw in wheelchairs were young- possibly war vets. One fellow had both legs amputated above the knee. I suspect he is waiting for his prosthesis. I am humbled by them, and I feel very fortunate to be able to walk around with a cane although not far and for not very long.
May all beings be free from suffering and the root of suffering.........

Vegas Baby!

One of the first dates as a couple was Las Vegas. We were young and estastic about the possibilties of winning. There was no way we could lose. We were in love. With little money in our pockets, we played a few slot machines, and dined at the cheap buffets. We both shared a weird fasicination for a game with piles of quarters on a ledge. The object of the game was to put a quarter in a strategic place , drop it in and let it pop up and hope that it would push a pile of quarters into a hole that slide into our hands. We giggled with delight as one in five tries would yield some to a lot of quarters. We would stand behind players and watch them play craps trying hard to understand the mechanics of this game. We ended up in a tiny casino on the strip offering quarter bets at a beginning player crap table. Hours later we knew how to play and even corrected the croupier as they, too were learning the game at this table.

Now I know how to play craps and really enjoy the game. Joseph prefers the blackjack table. We checked into the Bellagio, the former casino owned by Steve Wynn. I wish I had been at the Bellagio when he owned it since he also showed his extensive art collection at that time which isn't there now. There was a show of Impressionists and dutch master paintings from the late eighteen hundreds on exhibit that we enjoyed. We treated ourselves to the fitness center. It was elaborate with various machines with video screens everywhere you looked. I couldn't avail myself of the beautiful whirpool or massage treatments due to my condition. So I went into the lounge and sat fully clothes with the other women in robes, and sipped tea and read the Wall St Journal as they read Redbook and Lady's home Journal, and we all smiled as content as chesire cats.

Breakfast in bed is a fave for me. We slept late, had room service and walked to the beautiful conservatory. Lush flowers mixed with glass flowers and topiary animals, large mechanical butterflies and dragonflies high above all near the lobby of the hotel. It was a huge mishmash of art, horticulture, and kitsch. Very Vegas. Very distinct say, from Disney but similar.

We spring for tickets to "O", the Cirque de Soleil peformance on water. Worth every penny and more. Talent, art, music- all surperb. Viva the French Canadians!

Breakfast at the pool cafe. Crowded but it is always nice to eat outside and we walk around. There is a beautiful fountain outside near the entrance of the building. A loudspeaker plays "all that jazz" and the fountains come alive as though they were dancing in a broadway show. People from all over line the street to watch this display of light, music, and water.

After bandaging the sole of my foot for blisters, Joseph lets me choose the restaurant for dinner. He had wanted to take me to Michael Minna's restaurant in the City but I couldn't get in with the level of stairs there were, so this was my opportunity to go to Michael Minna's restaurant in Las Vegas. We went early for dinner and there were just a few couples sitting around. The elegant simple tan wood and steel decor so unlike the rest of the environment assured me that I was in for a treat. And it was a delight. We both picked the Seasonal pre-fixe dinner. Each small plate was a beautiful display of textures and color and a delight on the palate. I still think of that meal today.

Next Stop- Death Valley

On the Road Again…..

It’s been almost three years since I have done any serious traveling. We were preparing to go to Europe for a much needed vacation one week after my accident. That never materialized. Fast forward three years and except for a 11 day cruise we are off trying to travel in my condition. Obviously airports are not doable for me so we decided on an RV. We bought a small one. A 20 foot camper van type called a Pleasure-Way, and it is made in Canada.
It’s interesting to see the yellow mustard flowers spring up from the heavy rains along the highway 101. We passed wineries that we were familiar with and some new ones, too. Interesting signs pop up here and there, like “Cherries and Garlic”. Hmmm… interesting combination. We passed Pinnacles National Monument where we have gone hiking. Don’t have to do that anymore. As we get deeper into the agricultural area, you can see the migrant workers and their influence in the community as evidenced by the bags of dried salted prunes and dried salted prunes with chili in the local 7 to11 that I noticed as I walked the aisles for exercise while it rained outside as my husband got gas in the RV. I also noticed “moon pies”, a favorite of mine when I was a child. A mix of two cookies with a marshmallow center, all covered in a thin veil of chocolate. I didn’t try the prunes.
You have to stop for the Pea Soup. I used to buy Anderson Green Pea Soup in the green can while I was in college and to see the Anderson Green Pea Soup Restaurant off the freeway was a real treat. Good things do survive.
Neat rows and rows of plants and vegetables. What kind though? How about some pics please??
Fresh colorful bunches of flowers with flags and pinwheels are abundant in the cemeteries in these areas. I suspect young soldiers from these poor communities that came back in body bags.
“Take off your leg and stay awhile,” said my husband as he smiled and watched me squirm in my seat for the last 2 of the four hour drive. Okay, I said, not wanting to believe he was right. “But no more leg jokes”, I teased.
He joked about the “terminal blinkers”. (Those people who ride with their blinkers on for miles.) An hour later he caught himself doing it unknowingly.
I look at all the RVers that pass us. There is a stigma that only old people RV. But according to my unscientific calculation, about 70% are baby boomers and the rest are elderly. So there…..don’t laugh.
After visiting some friends in Avila Beach, CA. BTW, very nice area. People actually talk to you and there are some quaint shops, like Paula Radke’s Bead shop where I bought some bali silver and non-franchise restaurants such as Kitty’s Kitchen along the beach, and the typical strip malls around town.
We took off for the Las Vegas!

Never Can Say Good Bye

As I come to an end of my medical saga, a certain sadness comes over me. At a time when I should be joyous, I feel so unsteady. Under the care of…… there was always, a doctor, therapist, trainer, prosthetist, etc. that filled in that blank. I was under the care of…. But now that is coming to an end. I am walking with a cane and I am feeling better and am quite aware of what my physical limitations are and will be for the rest of my life. Why then, the sadness? I don’t know. I suspect there is some attachment that happens when you are “under the care of…”
When I first came home from the hospital, after about a week, I would lock myself in the bathroom and secretly cry because I missed something about being in the hospital. It was actually my home for four months. I had lost everything and I had made something- some kind of relationship with a bevy of medical professionals in a hospital. And that came to an end like all of my appointments and treatments are coming to an end. With finality there is sorrow but there is also the joy of beginning. And so I begin a new and exciting journey with the love of my life, my husband, as we embark on our little journey across America… Au Revoir!

Getting Ready

Everything is coming to a head. It has been quite rushed around here- at least more than usual. We are preparing for the big trip. That means getting our health in order- finish up with all the doctors and getting all of our gear. We have our pre-flight checklist ready- although not for an airplane but for our RV, La Orca, as Gary called it. And we are also planning a party- a kind of thank you, good-bye and see you soon. I also hope to see everyone while on the road. We will have enough e toys to fill a spaceship. I am setting up a newsletter to be able to show you pics and videos and also get your feedback on places and see and things to do. You know, all those wonderful little hideaways packed in the middle of nowhere. The heart of America. Come and follow us on our journey!

I walk the line (hallway)

I walk the hallway in my apartment building everyday, sometimes more than once. I walk alone. No one else now walks with me. No friend, caregiver, husband, etc. They don't need to since I am okay walking on my own, but they don't want to. The hallways are bare tan walls that are brightly lit and the same colored grey doors are every few feet apart. The only difference is the number above the door. It is boring to all but me. It is my meditation, my labryinth, my kinhin. I walk and breathe the hallway. To the normal eye, there is nothing but walls, doors, and lights. But everyday I experience something different. As I pass by with my quad cane, I can hear high pitched infant cries, angry voices, and tv commerials. Food smells linger behind me as I pass. The hallway looks the same each day but I experience something new and fresh when I walk.
Our lives are like the hallway- very routine, dull, and familar. Within that we sometimes forget the richness that is beneath the surface. With mindfulness we can connect to that bliss beneath the surface that we have buried quite deep over the years.
When you walk down the hallway, listen, look, and feel for what is there.
It may surprise you.

Remember to Consider

and please remember to consider :

The everyday practice is simply to develop a
complete acceptance and openness to all
situations and emotions.
And to all people -- experiencing everything
totally without reservations and blockages,
so that one never withdraws or centralizes
onto oneself.

- Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche

Up to Date News

Wow! It seems like a long time since I have been writing lately. So much is going on it is hard to know where to start. Let's start with the vow I took as a Buddhist which starts, "Sentient beings are numberless, I vow to save them...." Guess I took that quite literally when I resolved to help my friend, Joseph, who is in kidney failure. I shamelessly asked everyone and put up notices on the internet chat rooms, craigslist, buddhist forums, etc. Well, it worked. I got about five people to step up to the plate. Two were rejected. One looks like a go and another two are being processed. Well, if life were just that easy, eh?

My second project, my new website-www.wholeheartedway.com. This site will promote my financial coaching. It also will be a wonderful place to go for free or inexpensive resources that could make people's lives a little easier. Who couldn't use that?

I have also partnered with my friend, Annette, to make a grandious website for people suffering from illness and/or disabilities. It also would be a wonderful resource for people to get and receive services and stuff. It is slow going since it is only the two of us, but we are committed to www.shatteredbutwhole.com.

Meanwhile I want to spruce up my blog here with pics and audio and such. I am just not that web savvy to do it so I will have to get together with my IT professional, AKA my husband, and work on that.

In between times when I am slacking, I like to make jewelry. Funny, I don't wear a lot of jewelry but it has been fun and challenging making stuff for friends and family. Saves money on presents, too.
It is very quiet around here, and I miss the chaos of children and/or a dog. Gee, did I just say- miss the chaos?
In the silence I am now getting in touch with just how much a type A I really am!
Our first nite in our new van RV was rocky. We were right by the beach Sunday nite as the wind climbed to 60 miles and hour and the rain pelted down on the roof. Didn't sleep much but it still was a hoot.
Anxious to see where we head next. Have plans to spiff it up a bit too.
Got any ideas for a name for our van RV? It is white with sage green interior. Ideas so far are- salsa verde, put it in park, love shack, chillin the most, carpe dieum, and rolling avocado.

Went to the gait lab yesterday, I am hoping for enough information to tell me if I am strong enough to get out of a knee brace and/or the AFO brace. Any less bracing would sound good to me. It is quite a hassle to get dressed with all of these gizmos.

Shambhala day was great and it was good to see old friends. As I talk to people there, I sense a great poverty consciousness that bothers me. I keep wanting to do a financial seminar there. Maybe if my health gets better, and they have the time, I could do a one day workshop.

Fallen and can't get up

This week I was practicing falling and getting up with my physical therapist. After exploring several methods of how to get myself up and how to ask for help in getting up, I really got in touch with the possibility that first of all, I could fall and secondly, that if I did, it probably wouldn't be a gentle tuck and roll. I can't really bend my knees and I can't roll on my right hip so my main option would be to try to break the fall with my arms- my precious arms that I need to hold me up on crutches.
As if we projected it, the next day we are going to the movies and it is pouring down raining and there I go- falling. The crutch tip slipped and before I could hit the ground, my husband caught me. Lucky me.
I guess I won't be going out in the rain much anymore.
Never liked the stuff anyway- except from behind a window.

"Know that you have suffered only for this: that you may bless those who suffer still."
-Hayden Trevino

It's a Beautiful Day!

Sunday was the most beautiful day in the Bay Area in a long time. I went to meditation at the San Francisco Shambhala Center and then Joseph and I went out for lunch in the Sunset. Afterwards, he drove me around and it was like looking at an old photo album. We passed by Lincoln Park where we used to play golf, we went by Crissy fields where I used to windsurf when I was young, we passed by the Exploratorium where we would take the kids and visitors and slide down the Tactile dome. We passed by the Coastal Trail parking lot where we used to hike. I could go on and on but you get the picture. These are all activities that we used to do together but that I can no longer do because of being disabled. Does it make me feel sad? In a way, yes, but not in the sense that I yearn to do those things but in the tenderhearted way of remembering a dear moment in the past. Yet I also think about how our lives were so rushed to fill in the spaces that we hardly had time for one another. Yet, here I am sitting in the car next to my husband watching the sun set over the waves at Ocean Beach and making out like we are teenagers. Ah! That's the present moment and I couldn't be happier and it is yet another wonderful memory as I write this.

They Say It's Your Birthday

January 15 was my birthday. I usually don’t like to celebrate my birthday. One year closer to death as me and my brother used to say. We grew up in a household that made such a big deal about birthdays that it was an embarrassment to me and my siblings who were all born with the extremely shy gene.
I have come to rather like them. Not because of the whole traditional presents and cake thing, ( I have no use for things at my age and I am constantly watching my weight) but because they are a good excuse to get people together. In this busy world of ours, we really do need a good excuse to get us all together- whether it be birthdays, superbowls, holidays, etc. Gone are the days when a friend or neighbor would randomly and uninvited (Oh, My!) knock on the door to say hello and watch tv with you. Kinda like when you were in school. Remember those days? Well, it’s hard just to get a group of friends over for dinner nowadays. So any excuse is a good excuse to break out of our schedules and get a babysitter, or take off of work early – to be with friends and/or family. So this birthday, my little neice (who is 9) came over and we baked a cake, went to the museum to see the penguins, and went for a swim. Doesn’t sound exciting does it? But to me it is very endearing, simple, honest, and just the way I want to spend my birthday.

Happy New Year!!

Wow! What a year looking back. It seems like when we review the past our eyes naturally gravitate to the darkest moments- the Asian tsunami, Hurrican Katrina, and for me 4 surgerys. Just as the rain has left us in the Bay Area, so have the blues, and with the bright sun comes hope and success for the future. I will finally be launching my coaching website- www.wholeheartedway.com. I am also involved in putting together a public website for people and caregivers with illnesses, and disabilities. My friend, Annette, and several others are putting a lot of energy into getting this valuable resource up for many who struggle daily with physical pain. Of course, I still study and keep up to date on all things financial. I also occupy a lot of time just exercising which has helped me go from a wheelchair to a walker and hopefully one day, to a cane. Yeah!
It is important as we enter this new year to think of our accomplishments and what we hope to achieve in the future. We must also not forgot the many blessings that we have in our lives.
Happy New Year!

Bartender! Bartender!

Thanks to Laurie Silver for this one!

During one of my many hospitalizations at the
University Hospital in Ann Arbor, Michigan, (this one,
I think for major surgery,) a man down the hall seemed
to be in terrible distress. My Dad was sitting with
me and we listened as the man cried out, "Doctor,
Doctor!!"

No doctor came. After a few minutes the gentleman
began to cry out again. This time he called out,
"Nurse, Nurse!" No nurse came.

A few minutes later, and in obvious distress, the man
then called out, "Chaplain, Chaplain!" No chaplain
came.

Finally, in desperation, the man cried out to his last
remaining hope- "Bartender, BARTENDER!!"

My Dad and I collapsed in gales of laughter. As sorry
as I was for the old gentleman, he'd managed to get
the entire floor to laugh out loud. Through his
suffering he unknowingly gave us all a gift of
laughter. Imagine the good we'll do as we share our
humor intentionally!!

This IS a true story!

The Great Way is not difficult for those with no preferences- the
path is the goal.

Life After Katrina

I was 12 years old when I experienced the deadly force of a hurricane Betsy. Living in New Orleans, every hurricane season seemed liked a non-event that was punctuated by the closing of schools and parties in people’s homes where the adults drank hurricane cocktails (a concoction of everclear alcohol and fruit punch), ate boiled shrimp and crabs, and played cards. That year was different.

I looked outside our large living room window. It was dark and windy and raining hard. It was scary outside but I was safe and warm inside my suburban home in Orleans Parish. The neighbors had not left yet, I reported back to my mother as both parents were looking at the television. The local newscaster announced that our Parish should evacuate now to our local school for shelter. We had never evacuated before and I could feel the hesitation. Would we wait for our neighbors to leave?

This would be a tactic that is common to the people of New Orleans. We were a people that did not leave the safety and security of our homes for something unknown. We leave our home for our first apartment and we leave school to get a job and we leave jobs to get better jobs and on and on. But to leave for a hurricane seemed like to admit defeat; to surrender to a force that we have no control over.

As I watched Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans on the television, I was reminded of those days when we would ponder whether to stay or go. Sometimes it was because of comfort, sometimes out of pride, and for some, it was out of poverty. Thirty percent of the city’s population lives at or below the poverty line, so to leave and take the family to a hotel is not an option for many. It didn’t surprise me that so many stayed.

It makes me wonder how easily we “stay” in our own lives when things get hard and changes need to be made – no matter how good it may be for us to move on, we “stay”.

A natural event such as a hurricane can stir up al kinds of discursive thoughts that lead to strong emotions- irritation, anxiety, jealousy, pride, etc. fueling the fire of human pain and suffering in a small building called an evacuation center. The thought of not knowing if there will be a home to go back to, or a school to attend the next day or that anything we have ever owned will be gone, while a possibility, is avoided at all costs. That kind of pain and suffering just wouldn’t happen to us. Or could it? Quick don’t think about it. We can spend a lot of energy resisting impermance instead of accepting it, just as it is, the truth of our lives.

As a child with my family and friends at my own school now turned into an evacuation center, I was in a familiar surrounding grounded in the strong belief that we would all survive despite ourselves- despite windows shattering, the wind howling, and the rain beating on the roof as hard as golf balls. Children still laughed and played and experienced the basic goodness that surrounded us.

“May all beings experience happiness……..”
-Fern Alix LaRocca

Golden Moments

"Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from,
everything we deny, denigrate, or despise, serves to defeat us in the
end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty,
joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it." —Henry Miller

New Home New Chapter

Well, I am home from the hospital, not exactly in the condition that I thought, but that is how it is.
With new medical problems and a new home, I feel somewhat reborn. There is a sense of deja vu but also a sense of fresh start. There is a lot of energy here and good fresh air. Ah!!
Not a lot else I need.
I am forever grateful to be able to look into those hazel eyes and feel that soft hair that curls in between my fingers and rub against that warm body next to mine.
Funny how something so ordinary so everyday becomes so precious when it is not there for you -even if only for two weeks.

Care-to-Give

A sad but happy ending today. How can that be? My dearest caregiver who has been with me since I left the hospital has left our home. We could not give her the hours that she needed from her agency. It is sad to say goodbye to someone who has taken care of you and your home while you are ill. I remember how much of the day I spent in bed and how I held on tight to her hands and looked so deep in her eyes while my nurse painfully ripped the dressing off of my hip wound. I looked as though searching for something that would make the pain go and I find it in her smile.
We found out a lot about our lives, our families, and our different cultures- she, Phillipina, and I, Americana. I felt fortunate to have traveled to her country before so I had a visual of the sights, sounds, and tastes that she described.
A daughter of a farmer, she went to school to become a midwife. She stopped delivering babies when the New People's Army would try to recruit her when she arrived at the doorstep of what she thought would be her next patient.
From there her first trip away from home would be to work in a military hospital in Saudi Arabia. This is where I felt she grew up.
She called her Mother to find out how to wash her clothes. Her meals, and apartment were all paid for by the Saudis, and she worked there for 17 years rarely venturing out in her barka with other females to shop. She earned enough money to send home to buy two homes. But her two sons were being raised by her husband in America. With the danger of the Gulf War so close, her family begged her to come to the USA. She arrived to find her babies grown teenagers and now married men who have given her 3 grandchildren.
She misses Saudi life -unlike here there were no cell phone bills, no insurance to pay, no mortgages. I can't convince her that the trade off is well worth it- the freedom of walking down the street alone without men whipping your ankles if you show your hair. That freedom alone is worth the price I pay to live in the USA. My ideals, of course, are not shared by all.
She says she will retire in the country where she grew up in the Phillipines but I am sure that by the time she goes back there will be no country and all that she knew and experienced will be much different. But I don't dare pop her bubble.
I also know that many broken families are the result of a country that has over 10% of its population working overseas just to make ends meet. They come here as doctors, lawyers, architects, and work at cashiers, customer reps and caregivers. Our minimum wage here is a week's salary over there so who can blame them?
It just seems so sad as they work and send money home from minimum wage jobs here to become multimillionaires over there. In a couple of years they could stop working and live the good life at home- but they don't. They dream about it, but they really never go back because their kids, grandkids, lovers, and spouses, and friends are now all here. They are now all as I, an American.

A Beautiful Sadness

I couldn't have said it better......

"I love life...Yeah, I'm sad, but at the same time, I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like...It makes me feel alive, you know. It makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautiful sadness."
Trey Parker and Matt Stone, South Park, Raisins, 2003

Find What You Love

Everyone is talking about Steve Jobs commencement address to the 2005 Stanford grads. It is so beautiful- I just have to share it. Now, remember- Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish....

Find What You Love
July 24, 2005

I'm posting the text of the Commencement address delivered on June 12, 2005 at Stanford University by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios -- because 10 people have written and asked me to post it here! It is, truly, a beautiful address, and I can only wish that this is what I would have heard at Commencement.

STEVE JOBS: I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky – I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation - the Macintosh - a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me – I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I retuned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

Not Stuck with Sickness

NOT STUCK WITH SICKNESS

When patients come into a treatment situation, they may have a sense of
anxiety, a sense of hope, or a sense of complete negativity. It is a very
sensitive matter to bring them into the right situation and work with them.
The main point is that they are not stuck with their sickness. If a person
regards sickness as an enemy, then his body has no working basis to be
well. He thinks his body is invaded by enemies, and he goes to the doctor
to get rid of these foreigners occupying his castle. And once that's taken
care of, it's all over. So no relationship is established. There is another
problem which goes back even further -- the concept of death as the
archenemy, where we try to avoid death every minute, every second. There
has to be more emphasis on creating an atmosphere of help. Sickness is a
message, and it can be cured if the right situation is created....Mind
reflects body, and body is affected by the atmosphere. The idea is
recovering rather than being cured of a particular disease. This approach
could also be used with older people who are dying. In the process of
dying, they are uncovering some kind of sanity. So they approach their
death peacefully.

From "Intrinsic Health," in THE SANITY WE ARE BORN WITH: A
BUDDHIST APPROACH TO PSYCHOLOGY, pages 163- 164.

Of interest to our readers: Since its publication earlier this year, THE
SANITY WE ARE BORN WITH has sold out two printings and the publisher is
going back for a third printing. To get a copy, go to
http://ChogyamTrungpa.com

All material by Chogyam Trungpa is copyright Diana J. Mukpo and used by
permission.

I'm Back!

I'm back! I really needed to focus on my physical therapy, but I am still writing fiction. I have taken some online classes at www.writingclasses.com. I am also writing some blurbs for some online newsletters. Right here though I think I will concentrate on financial stuff.
Comment fields are open if you have something to say.

"Greatest vision brings greatest love." Chogyam Trungpa

The Passing of a Great Lady

"Compassion is an unstable emotion. It needs to be translated into action, or it withers. The question is what to do with the feelings that have been aroused, the knowledge that has been communicated. People don't become inured to what they are shown -- if that's the right way to describe what happens -- because of the quantity of images dumped on them. It is passivity that dulls feeling."
-Susan Sontag

Breakfast in Bed

One of the little pleasures in life that I enjoy is when my husband and I would travel we would always sleep in and have breakfast in bed. This was a real treat since my normal routine would be to wake up, rush around getting ready, try to squeeze some meditation in, and grab some coffee at Martha’s to drink in the car on the 40 minute ride to work. Well, be careful what you wish for since I had breakfast in bed for four months. Not in the setting as described above but in the hospital where I was staying. As you might expect breakfast in bed got very old and tired. I knew though that I had to eat to get my strength back so I thought, “Okay, how I can perk up the situation here?” I studied the menu like I was taking a final exam. I started to play with different food combinations to feel like I was getting something different. There is waffle with bacon one morning and maybe a waffle with sausage at the end of the week. Sometimes I would order cereal and eat half the cereal and half the eggs. This seemed to work. My roommate, however, was having a hard go of it. She loved poached eggs and toast- the very things that were not on the breakfast menu. Poached eggs, like omelets are not something easily served to the masses and toast- well, their definition of toast was a slice of cold bread in saran wrap that is micro waved before it is served. You get the picture.

Every morning, she would ask if she could have poached eggs and toast and every morning she did not get it. This went on for several days and she related to her friends and family how much she missed her poached eggs and toast but no one was available to deliver her the breakfast that she wanted so early in the morning. Finally she got so irritated that she stopped eating breakfast and then they had to feed her through a tube from her nose to her stomach.

I realized that no matter what our situation the importance of making do with what you have. The mental stress and strain of worrying about what we don’t have saps us of vital energy that we could be using to help ourselves in other ways.

"Like sleeping or eating, meditation brings health and happiness. It gives us all - including our children - the opportunity to bring peace to ourselves and our families." Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche

Bathroom Practice

As a little girl, I was extremely shy and private. My upbringing didn’t help. I attended a Catholic elementary school and a private Catholic girls’ high school. Even as an adult, I worked at getting over my shyness, and the only time I really felt secure being naked other than in a locked bathroom was at the guest program at Tassajara Mountain Center which is a Buddhist monastery and retreat center that had a natural hot spring that was divided into a male only area and a female only area.
Anyway, I found myself in a hospital setting with nurses coming in to change my bedpan. These “nurses” to be were men and women young and old of different nationalities. It was quite humiliating at first. But being that I took an oath to help others as well as myself, I started to learn how to change my own bedpan. This gave me some semblance of control and, of course, was much appreciated by the “nurses”.
Then I graduated to a commode chair. This, I thought, would give me back some privacy. But, again, just a thin curtain between me and my neighbor 4 feet away in the next bed made it hard to think that you were private. Because there is no knock on the door, doctors, and nurses, and nurses aides were free to come by at any time to interrupt you or ask if you need help or to just stand there and watch-just to make sure you don’t fall, of course. Then there is always the parade of friends and relatives that always drop in when you are about to drop number 2. But don’t mind them. And just when you think the coast is clear, a conga line of your neighbor’s relatives will also pass by, say good morning to you while you are cramping up on the commode, and exchange pleasantries with you behind the curtain just so they don’t have to listen to anything, um, unpleasant. And if that fails, you can always blast the TV to hide the moans and groans of intestinal blockage.
Now when you are discharged, and you think you are going home to some peace and privacy- think again. I don’t think my husband has ever seen me for any length of time in the bathroom. I always made sure the door was locked. Now the door is always open and we have great conversations in there while I am doing my thing. Relatives come in, too, to chat, and “help me pull up my pants” or “make sure I don’t fall”. Pretty soon there will be no real reason for anyone to be in the bathroom with me except to talk.
My dearest bathroom experience happened when my seven year old niece came to visit. Seeing that everyone was hanging out in the bathroom with me, she also wanted to help. She followed me into the bathroom and I transferred and she looked at me quizzically and said she wanted to help. I said okay, and I rose up and let her pull my pants down. One side of my leg showed the blood red area of the skin graft, and the other leg was bandaged. She stared at the graft and asked if she could touch it. I said only if she washed her hands. She washed her hands dutifully, and dried them quickly. She took her one small finger and pressed on the blood red flesh as she asked, "Does this hurt?" No, I replied. Her curiosity was so pure and non-judgmental, that I was taken aback. She sat down next to me and asked all those questions that others are dying to ask but never do. We had a wonderful chat while I was sitting on the toilet.
As I am able to be more independent, I hope my bathroom chats don’t go away. I’ve said goodbye to privacy and hello to something else, something that goes beyond embarrassment or humiliation. I think I will always keep the bathroom door open now.

"Without any intention, fancy way of adjusting yourself, to express yourself as you are is the most important thing." –Suzuki Roshi

Auspicious Sign

It was with great trepidation that I got ready for a New Year’s Eve party at my friend’s house. My husband would drive for an hour south and I would be the passenger on a dark and rainy night- the same conditions I experienced the night of my accident over a year ago. I also had other concerns. How would I manage in their house? Would my walker fit in their tiny bathroom? How slippery would the walkway be? What if I fell? Yada, yada, yada, went my mind. But I knew that I had to go on with my life and I wanted to go on without fear. And so, I kept my fears at bay with a determination that all was going to be well no matter what. I felt connected to the true spirit of Basic Goodness.
Well, the party was great and I had a wonderful time. I did not fall and my husband could escort me to the bathroom easily. The food was wonderful and my friend’s hospitality was warm and loving -just as I remembered them. On the way home, there were some light showers off and on and the ride north on 280 was bright and fresh and green like I had never experienced before. I looked out of the car window in awe of the beauty of the area. Rolling green mountains separated the ocean from the Crystal Springs reservoir. The long smooth highway above allowed views of waterfowl playing above and on the glassy smooth water. On my right green hills with hungry cows mixed in with large mansions filled with rich Silicon Valley executives. I noticed several deer grazing very near the highway. As we got closer to San Francisco, a double rainbow emerged. I had never seen one so bright before. It was such a site that it brought me to tears! It was as if the universe was smiling at me playfully saying, “You see, you made it. It wasn’t so bad now, was it?”
I remembered that rainbows are a common favorite with great spiritual masters and I thought of my teacher in particular, Kwong Roshi, and felt his presence near. At that moment, even with the tragic events that have happened to me, I felt an overwhelming feeling of love and being loved that no experience could shake.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!
I, for one, am glad 2004 is over. Most of the year I spent in a hospital. Now I am home and my life is forever changed- some of it good and some bad- kind of like life was even before 2004.
Of course, it is a time to reflect and renew so here goes---
still being in a wheelchair sucks- but now being able to stand up and walk a bit is nice.
Having my husband close to me every nite is wonderful compared to the hospital bed I occupied most of the year.
Losing a wonderful business and great clients was sad, but the opportunity to write more and meditate more, and build my coaching practice is great.
Losing my independence to dress myself and prepare meals and clean the house is uncomfortable but receiving the love and compassion from my caregivers is touching.
Having physical limitations for the rest of my life will prevent me from the sports and the kind of travel I used to do. But it has also opened me up to other skillful means- cruises and RVs, Ha! Ha!
Lots of losses but lots of gains. Sometimes I feel like the lines between each extreme is blurred and there is no difference- just things as they are.

I won't be writing as much in my blog as I am going to take another online writing class to develop my book. I also plan on a new look for this site or perhaps develop a new site for my coaching practice.
Stay tuned for that! I have had to shut down some of the comment sections due to spammers but I am going to fix that and have it up and running again. It would be nice to get some feedback from you all so keep coming back or put your email in the Get Notified of New Posts area in the right column.
Happy New Year! Thank you for your cards, letters, prayers, and emails. They do make a difference.

The Path Forward

"The path forward is about becoming more human, not just more clever. It is about transcending our fears of vulnerability, not finding new ways of protecting ourselves. It is about discovering how to act in service of the whole, not just in service of our own interests. It is about rediscovering courage — literally, cuer age, the rending of the heart-to pursue what Adam [Kahane] calls 'an open way,' because the only progress possible regarding the deep problems we face will come from opening our minds, hearts, and wills."
— Peter Senge, from the Foreword to Solving Tough Problems

If I Am Awestruck

My friend, Ginger Cockerham sent this to me and I would like to share it with you:

"We don’t see things as they are; we see things as we are."
Sandra Shelton

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If I see things the way I am, what is my truth for 2005?

2005 is full of promise and possibility,
if I am inspired.

Things can be changed,
if I am action.

The challenge isn’t overwhelming,
if I am community.

The Gap can be bridged,
if I am committed.

Generosity is natural and easy,
if I am abundant.

This is a magical, wonderful world,
if I am Awestruck.

It's that time of year!

Before the ice is in the pools,
before the skaters go,
Or any cheek at nightfall
Is tarnished by the snow,
Before the fields have finished,
Before the Christmas tree,
Wonder upon wonder
Will arrive to me!
-Emily Dickinson

Strangers in the Night

In the four months that I was in the hospital, I realized right away that the ability to welcome total strangers into my room and my life was going to be a necessity. At all hours of the day and night, strange men and women would come into my room and do all kind of unmentionables to my body. They are called doctors and nurses and they are there to help you and you are aware of that yet there is a strange meeting of the minds when you see each other. Of course, there are the usual pleasantries, ?Hello, My name is Marie and I will be your nurse till the morning? and sometimes there are no pleasantries ? just a stranger with no badge or ID and no hello and no eye contact. In order to make my stay as comfortable as possible I knew that I would have to change. Rather than allow myself to feel depressed about losing control over who and when anyone walked in. I started to play with it. When someone strange walked in and did not acknowledge me, I would say, ?Hello, my name is Fern, and I will be your patient for the rest of the afternoon?. Some would laugh and some would grumble ??I am just filling in for Felice who is on her break, Honey? ?Well, Honey, that is very nice of you?. (Being short and small, usually evokes people to call me Honey, Sweetie, Darling, etc. ad nauseum and this is not even the South.) But- they mean well. I became aware that my experience was a lot like how we interact with people in regular life. It is easy to quickly judge them by their looks, their accent, or how they address you. The reality is we really don?t know them very well, and they don?t know us so we kind of owe each other the benefit of the doubt that we are good caring people that want to help each other.

"Without any intention, fancy way of adjusting yourself, to express yourself as you are in the most important thing." -Suzuki Roshi

Happy One Year Survival Anniversary

It's been one year today that I was involved in a terrible car crash that almost took my life. But- I am alive now and well. Although I would like to be further along in my healing process ( I am still in a wheelchair. Ugh!) I am grateful for the little things- just like knowing that someday I will be able to walk again.
It was nice to meet with my favorite Doctor- Dr. Bellino yesterday
I know he doesn't think he is doing much for me right now but just meeting with him every three months and looking over the x-rays and discussing my progress is an enormous lift to me. It has that quality of a warm blanket placed over you on a chilly day. Sometimes you just need that warm blankie.

Time of Thanks

I can't thank everyone enough for their prayers, and cards, and visits, and calls. It has really made a difference. I am healing every day- sometimes not as fast as I would like, but still on the road of recovery.

We all give thanks for what we have -but we should also give thanks for what we don't have. Things could be much worse than they are and we can be grateful that they are not. Keep this in mind this Thanksgiving. I know I will when I think about how another few inches and my fate would have been much different.

Beautiful Women Month

My friend emailed me this and so I am sharing it with you...
~~ Beauty of a Woman ~~
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,
The figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart,
The place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives,
The passion that she shows.
The beauty of a woman
With time, only grows..

Making Room for Now

We were sitting at an outdoor cafe having a cold iced latte on a summer day. It was bright and sunny and warm for San Francisco. While conversing with my friend, I not only looked at her but at the scene behind her. People went by walking their dogs or joggin or pushing a baby stroller. It was usual sidewalk fare. But something caught my eye that made me look away from my friend and stare. It was the sight of two rollerbladers coming towards us. It looked like a couple from far away, but I was more interested in their movement. They pushed out with each leg effortlessly, like they were gliding on air. The outline of their thigh muscles working showed through their pants. There was a beautiful rhythm, too. Out and in, out and in. with each leg. They were coming closer and I started to wonder if I could ever do that motion again. Here I am in a wheelchair with one leg elevated with nerve damage and another with a below the knee amputation. I knew it was highly unlikely that I would be able to do that but I did not feel any emotion or sense of loss. As the couple got close, I said to my friend, "Gee, look at that couple, do you think I'll ever roller blade again?" "Well, "she replied seriously, "I really think your days of being the roller-blade queen are over. " We both broker out into a fit of laughter since I never could roller-blade.
I could easily wallow into the loss of activities that I once did. But that was the past, and this is now. In the now I have a different set of possibilities available to me that are fresh and exciting. It is easy in this life to get bogged down in regret about what we can't do or should have done. While we fill up our minds with that, we cannot allow the new to enter. There"s just not enough space. Besides we are all so good at beating ourselves up for things we did not accomplish or regrets for wrong choices, that we never forgive ourselves so that we can move on to make each moment, new and fresh and spontaneous.

What have you done in the past that you regret that you still cling to? What would your life lookd like if you let go of some regrets or can't dos? What possibilites could you experience?

"I dwell in possibility" -Emily Dickinson

Setbacks

The one thing I dislike about the healing journey is setbacks. I always thought that you just climb a mountain one step up at a time and never look back down. My husband, however, was warned that there would be ups and downs and to expect them. I wish someone had told me, but then again, I was in sedation at that time. My latest setback hit me hard. I was practicing walking with my AFO brace and a walker. I did not quite lift my foot up enough, my shoe caught the carpet, and I went tumbling forward on top of the walker. I shook with pain and the thought that I had broken my knee. Once I got my composure I called my husband. I lay there until the ambulance came. They helped get me secured in the car so my husband could drive me to Stanford hospital where most of my care has been. (An ambulance will not drive you out of county we found out.)
Anyway, my Dr. B was there to see my x-rays. Luckily, there were no broken bones, just broken plans. And so, I am back on bed rest and pain meds until my body heals again enough so I get resume physical therapy.
Ugh! Moral of the story- the climb to the top of the mountain is filled with falls.

"On a breezy day I'll look at the wind in the trees and realize what a great day it would be to be sailing in Maine," Christopher Reeve told The AP as he looked out a window of his home. "Or I look at the puffy clouds and think, `I'd love to be gliding again.' And sometimes I'll say that to somebody nearby. ... And then I'll let it go."

Our practice cannot be perfect. But without being discouraged by this, we should continue it. This is the secret of practice. –Shunryu Suzuki Roshi

Try One More Time

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain
way to succeed is always to try just one more time."

Thomas Edison

Tell Me Again

“Tell me again,” she said as she wrapped her arms around him. Tell me again she repeated. “Tell you what?” He replied with mischief. You know, she smiled, and held him even tighter. Her face pressed against his shirt.
“It’s okay, honey, we are going to get through this,” he answered with conviction.
“Yes, we are going to get through this together,” she stated as the tears ran down her face and she dug her face into his chest.

Support is very important in your journey of life. It may be family, or friends, or even total strangers, but it must be there. I only have a brother left in my family, so I was lucky to marry and along with my husband came his wonderful family. Before I was married, I was not open to support from anyone. I wanted to be independent, make my own money, and be my own boss. I achieved all three. It’s easy to see now at this stage in my life how much easier my journey would have been if I had sought out help along the way.
That’s why at this turn in the road, I am committed to working with a coach to help me realize my goals. That’s what a good coach is all about- asking provocative questions to bring out the “a-ha” in you. That question will make you ponder the answer for a moment or for weeks. The answer to that question will help you find another answer. That answer will help change your life. I think coaching will emerge as the profession of the 21st century. You can read more about this industry at www.icf.org and www.coachville.com., or better yet- email me at fern@afdadvisors.com for a free consultation to see if you would like to be coached.
“What you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has a genius, power, and magic in it.”
-Goethe.

Goodbye Kitty!

I'm back! Back at home recovering from skin graft surgery on September 10. It was relatively easy and with little pain.
I got a lot of meditation, reading and writing in during those ten days. I will polish it up and start putting it out here soon.
It is a new experience for me being tube free. One gone from my right hip and one gone from my left arm.
Meanwhile thank you all for your well wishes!
I recited The Four Limitless Ones every night-
May all beings enjoy happiness and the root of happiness,
May they be free from suffering and the root of suffering,
May we not be separated from the great happiness devoid of suffering
May we dwell in the great equanimity free from passion, aggression, and prejudice.

See you soon !

I will be in surgery today for my skin graft. Hopefully this will be my last.
Unfortunately, I cannot take my laptop. But I will be back!
Paper and pen works just as good.
Later.

Me & Dr. B

When you go through a complex medical procedure as mine, you are constantly surrounded by herds of medical professionals. You don’t get any sleep in a hospital. Nurses interrupt your sleep to take your vitals every few hours. I could hear them as soon as they entered the room since the cart made a specific noise that gave them away. There was also the 5 or 6am doctor visit or should I say doctors. Anywhere from 2-7 would show up all bright eyed from way too much caffeine. Cheerily they would ask me questions but as I slowly opened my eyes to answer they would say okay as they were walking out the door. Sometimes I would yell at them and say “Hey! Wait! I have a question!” They would come back and listen to me. Most of the time, they would not know the answer because they were not very familiar with my case, or they would defer it to Dr. Bellino, my primary orthopedic surgeon. I met Dr. Bellino for the first time as I was coming out of sedation. I remember being half asleep, and I watched him enter the room and walk to the side of my bed. He pulled up a chair and moved close to my face. This was quite unusual since I was used to looking up at doctors. He gently introduced himself as my surgeon and asked me how I was doing. I said okay and then he told me what work he did on my body. I pretended to understand. At a minimum, I knew that there were a lot of pins that he put in to hold my pelvis together underneath the wound on my right side. It was a brief interaction, but it made an impression on me. Later, I found out that he was the main doctor responsible for saving my life. When I went in for follow up appointments, he continued to impress me by answering all of my questions (even if I repeated them) and I never felt rushed and I really felt that he cared about me. Best of all, he was always honest. When he did not know, he would look me in the eye and say I don’t know. Sometimes he could refer me to someone who did, or sometimes he would confer with others or sometimes it just wasn’t his area of expertise. I also practiced “Only Don’t Know” in my business and personal life. There is such a strong inclination in our society for all of us to know everything, when in reality you can never know everything. You can find out for them, and discuss it with colleagues. But the very truth is that sometimes we just don’t know and – it’s okay to say so without fear or embarrassment. To be fearless is a quality of self-confidence in who one is and what they know. That level of confidence makes Dr. Bellino stand out as a physician and a person.

When was the last time you told someone you didn’t know and felt okay about it? Practice that fully and you will find, surprisingly, that people will respect you more.
Thank you, Dr. Bellino, for not just saving my life but being a true example of a great doctor.

Ms. Finance and Mr. Scientific American

People who know my husband and me quite well are impressed with how we are as a couple. Many want to know how I “found” him. Well, the truth is- I didn’t find him. I just finally surrendered to the god-awful truth that I would probably be single for the rest of my life and I would never meet the right guy that would be a good match for me. When I reached rock bottom, my future husband appeared in my life. Even then, I never thought it would work because he didn’t fit the image of what I wanted. He wasn’t tall, or athletic, nor did he share my love of finance. He would prefer to read Scientific America while I read Financial Planning magazine. Yet there was a way that we worked together to plan a vacation, or decorate the house or deal with a medical crisis (Ha! Ha!) that seemed magical. Of course, we had our squabbles like any other couple, but we both knew something special was there that we both wanted to work on.
My point is that there are a lot of beautiful relationships to be made out there just by letting go of all, and I mean all, of our judgments about others, and just be with them just as they are, warts and all. Pretty soon you will be able to not see the warts and just see a lot of people of character and values that you would be privileged to be in the company of.
Do this exercise for 1 one week and see what happens. When you catch yourself criticizing someone else, make a point to think about something you like or admire in him or her.

Super Sensitive?

I am fascinated by the reaction in people who see me. I am something to look at, all 102 pounds of me in a wheelchair with my right leg elevated and a left leg in prosthesis, and tubing in my lap that goes from the wound on my hip to the machine in the pack behind my wheelchair. Luckily for me, this is not a permanent situation, but the public does not know that. I had a young fellow in his 20s sneaking a stare at me in a bookstore. When I caught his eye, he asked me what happened. I told him a car accident. He looked at me and, very sincerely said, ?I am sorry.? I smiled and replied, ?It?s okay. I am doing well.?
Most middle-aged women catch my eye and smile approvingly as if to say, ?You hang in there, girl!? Young girls look away.
I?ve noticed that some friends? call and some friends I have not heard from since the accident 8 months ago. Is it that if they see me, they will see their own vulnerability or are they just plain mean? I think neither. As the saying goes, don?t judge a book by its cover. You never really know what goes on in other people?s minds. But I have noticed how some people can, in times of crisis, master the energy to meet and handle the situation. Other people will shrink in fear to even get close and look. Is one person better than another? No, not at all. Some people can rise to the occasion, some cannot. But underneath we are still the same. I have learned a spiritual practice called Windhorse to help me rise to the occasion in times of suffering, and it has served me well in this tragedy.
Some people are just very sensitive and their emotions overwhelm them so much that they cannot cope and so they shrink away from what they should and want to do. Strong emotions can freeze your life and propagate what I call small mind. That mind state that thinks it has to shut down from everything around it in order to survive. It manifests as fear, negativity, hopelessness, etc. I have learned how to coach such a person to work with their sensitivity through Elaine Aron?s book, ?The Highly Sensitive Person?. Check it out at www.supersensitiveperson.com

Wealth & Happiness

We both stared at the wall of cereals. There were cereals of every type, sugary sweet ones for kids, and plain healthy looking ones for adults. The elderly woman next to me asked if I could help her find the cereal she was looking for. I detected a Russian accent. I smiled and said, Yes, of course, and I did what I do best -find that little needle in the haystack. We both giggled with delight as I pointed to what she was looking for. She looked at me and exclaimed, “So many choices! So many choices America has!” Yes, America- a land of many choices. We don’t need to stand in long lines for a loaf of bread, so in this land of plenty you would think that the more choices people have, the happier they are. Psychology professors Ed Diener of the University of Illinois, and Martin Seligman of the University of Pennsylvania, in a coming issue of the journal Psychological Science in the Public Interest did an ambitious analysis of more than 150 studies on wealth and happiness. The studies show that, in many countries ” although economic output has risen steeply over the past decade, there has been no rise in life satisfaction… and there has been a substantial increase in depression and distrust.”
“Economic success falls short as a measure of well-being, in part because materialism can negatively influence well-being, and also because it is possible to be happy without living a life of luxury” concluded Profs. Diener and Seligman
Studies also suggest that a sense of well-being boosts productivity, and other traits that lead to a higher income, and not that higher income brings extra happiness. Money may not buy happiness, but happiness can buy money, concludes Sharon Begley, a reporter for the Wall Street Journal who wrote about the study. She says also that if psychologists had a seat on a government’s economic team, they would point out that once a nation reaches a certain level of prosperity, further economic growth is unlikely to buy additional happiness. She cites Prof. Veenhoven of Erasmus University, Rotterdam, who says,” increasing the citizenry’s sense of well-being requires less investment in economic growth and more in policies that promote good governance, liberties, democracy, trust and public safety.”

99 Bottle of Antibiotics on the Wall

99 Bottle of antibiotics on the wall – 99 bottles of antibiotics, you take one down and pass it around the pick line, 98 bottles of antibiotics on the wall. That’s the jingle my brother, Allen, said to cheer me up after I expressed my exasperation with the infusion of antibiotics that I must take three times a day. This ritual has been going on for over three months, every day at 7am, 3pm, and 11pm. I swipe my pick line plug with alcohol, and flush with a saline solution syringe, and then connect the tube from the bottle that holds the meropenum. The little plastic bottle has a pressurized balloon inside that holds the medicine. The balloon deflates and pushes the medicine through a small tube that connects to a pick line in my arm. Obviously I know that this medicine is good for me. I may not survive without it –so why the bitching? Well, there’s that constant reminder that something is wrong with me. As little kids we are taught that medicine makes us better when we are sick. Medicine seems to confirm your sickness. Wheelchairs confirm that we can’t walk, etc. These associations can be totally off the mark though. Medicine may keep us healthy, and a wheelchair can be a temporary phase towards walking. Negative associations happen also in our mind about situations in our lives. What are some that you hold firm to? Does single mean lonely? Does jobless mean poor? These unfortunate circumstances in our lives can be experienced just as they are, that is without the addition of the “extra stuff” that we bring to them or they can turn into sources of stress that can keep us up late at night.

Almost two-thirds of Americans say stress is costing them sleep, up from half two years ago, a survey of 1,000 adults by Polling Co. found. The top reason cited: family issues. What extra stuff do we add to our families? Can we be with kids just as they are? Or do we have the need to control them? Can we talk to our spouses about our wants and needs? Or do we feel we have to manipulate them? It’s not easy to deal with negative associations that produce stress in our lives, but contemplation and awareness is a first step. Check out the “Taming the Mind” class at http://ashokaedu.net/catalog.htm. You can also wash away that negativity you have stored up at www.hoffmaninstitute.com .

What Do You Do All Day?

People ask all the time-Do you miss work? What is your day like? Wouldn’t you like company during the day? Of course, I loved my work but do I miss it? No, not really. When I am tired, I sleep, and when I am hungry, I eat. Then there is time for exercise, family, and friends, and making plans for my coaching practice. My old work life was full too, but not always in a positive way. . I remember sometimes eating lunch in the car on the way back to the office from a meeting. A lot of coffee and diet cokes would keep me awake after a long day at the office or trying to jiggle work, family, and social life. I know most of you know what I am talking about. Most of us aren’t able to eat at mealtimes, or spend as much time with our families, or spend less time at work, or develop hobbies that we enjoy. We all think that some way, someday in the future that may happen.
When I would ask my clients what they did for fun, most would look at each other, shrug in silence, and mumble something about going on vacation. No wonder that most Americans spend more time planning their vacations, than planning their retirement. The point is nothing comes together without planning. As a Financial Advisor, my specialty was financial planning. It was wonderful to see throughout my career, people making plans and actually realizing them.
How can we be present in the moment while still planning our lives?
What plans do you have for your future?

Why the Long Hiatus from Sept/03 to 2004?

I was on the way home from Marin to San Francisco with a good friend of mine who was visiting from New York City, when it started to pour down raining. Her rental car spun out into a signpost that seared my right hip. Lucky for her, she was okay, but I was in intensive care for 6 weeks. It was touch and go there for a while, but I managed to stay alive. I suffered massive pelvic fractures to my right hip, and severe nerve damage to my right leg. I also lost my left leg below the knee. It has been quite a journey, first of all making sure all of my clients were taken care of and transferred to a competent fee-only advisor, and secondly taking on this task of healing (which feels like managing a small business in itself).
My blog is a combination of musings on my healing which I don’t feel would have happened without my strong background in meditation and mindfulness practice, financial stuff, and of course, my developing coaching practice.
Enjoy!
"If you see things without realizing the background of buddha nature, everything appears to be in the form of suffering. But if you understand the background of existence, you realize that suffering itself is how we live and how we extend our life." -Shunryu Suzuki Roshi