The house was new, big, and beautiful. But I knew it was a change from the even larger home out in the country that he was used to. Change is uncomfortable for everyone. I tried to make note of the positive things for him- less commute to work, lower maintenance, etc. I also admired how everything on the east coast was so spacious. The Bay Area is so crowded with people, small living quarters and very expensive.
“It’s all relative,” he said as we finish loading the dishwasher. The others had left and we had cleared the dinner table. I wanted to finish by hand washing the crystal but I could tell my host was exhausted and I, too, was losing energy.
We plopped ourselves on the couch. “I feel so claustrophobic,” he continued speaking; his voice labored by the Parkinsons. “Í used to look out the window at the beautiful countryside, and now I look out to another person’s house.”
I looked around at the family room and kitchen that seemed as large a space as a whole city block. Hmmm….. I thought.
Homes have a special connection in our lives. People laugh, love, play, relax and take shelter there. They hold an abundance of memories and emotions. It is the most cherished object and prized investment that I have seen in my practice. Yet like any thing that is held on too close, it can go from beautiful home to a dangerous prison. I have experienced people living in lavish homes by themselves who cannot afford to pay for the heating bills. I have experienced couples staying in country homes lonely and anxious because they are far from an active community.
I watched my friend struggle to get up the stairs of his new home. People stay in their homes way past the time that they should, I observed. But I also know the pain of letting go.
I never had a very solid home. I moved around a lot most of my life. When I did finally buy a home with my spouse, it was fun as we fixed it up with beautiful things that we enjoyed. Yet I hadn’t had that home more than 6 years when this accident happened and I have never seen my home again. By that time, I was well prepared from previous transitions to move on and I have a strange awareness when it is appropriate to let go of living space and move on to something else-whatever that may be.
It is quite humorous to me how east coasters view their environment differently from me.
From my point of view, everything there is large and with big expanses of land between houses and buildings. People, too, have large families, and communities have large pools. Yet, I have heard people say, “look, there is no more land to build on”. While I see a whole condo development that could possibly be built on someone’s front lawn. Ha! Ha! The relative and the absolute is everywhere we go.
Keep Driving
“If you ever were going to listen to me, then this is the time to listen……keep driving,” she said.” His wife spoke these words as he reluctantly drove his family to Mississippi at the last minute to escape Hurricane Katrina.
The well dressed concierge at the Chicago hotel told me this story of how he left New Orleans for a new life in Chicago. Despite several hours driving and getting his car broken into, he is glad he listened to his wife that day. His two boys are in good schools and he has a good job even though he misses his friends in New Orleans.
I kept driving, too, as I dropped out of college in New Orleans and left my home, family, and friends for a new life on the west coast. I still keep in touch with most of them, and I still consider it one of the best decisions that I have ever done for myself. At that time, the city had high unemployment and was riddled with drugs and violence not unlike today- over 30 years later.
It takes a lot of @#$%*&!!! to change and to change big. It is said that moving and changing relationships are two of the highest stressors that can cause suicide. But there are no studies about the stress and oppressive feelings that come when nothing is happening and you wallow in the desire for something more or something different but never make that leap. I coach people who want to make transitions- transitions from poverty to wealth- from boring job to exciting career- from single to happily in relationship. It’s not easy but always worthwhile.
Along a long stretch of highway we watched the sky turn colors as the sun set. “Do you want to stop?” my husband said.
“No, not yet. Let’s keep driving,” I said as I marveled at the various colors in the clouds and felt the wind in my hair.
“Let’s keep driving.”